Could a sleep divorce save your relationship?
WHEN Kerry-Lee and her husband were having the plans drawn up for their property expansion, one non-negotiable was her need for a backyard escape space, a “she-shed”. Kerry-Lee insisted that she needed her own space to do her own thing, away from her husband and children. Two years after the extension has been complete, she’s now sleeping in this area, sharing the marital bed just a few times in the month.
“At first I blamed it on his snoring, then I said our mattress was giving me back pain, then I just ran out of excuses,” she said. “Ultimately, I’m more comfortable there, and I can sleep in peace. I believe that it has made our marriage stronger.“
Sleep divorce, according to dictionary.com, is a term that refers to the decision of a couple to sleep in separate places, such as separate beds or separate rooms.
”The phrase sleep divorce is used to describe the decision by a couple who live together to sleep in separate places,“ the online resource defined.
It said although it uses the word divorce, it’s typically not used to imply the couple does not like being together. In most cases, the couple decides to sleep separately for practical reasons. For example, the couple may be on different sleep schedules or one person may move around a lot during sleep.
Marriage counsellor Annette Palmer-Lowe said that while the choice to sleep separately might seem counter-intuitive to the idea of closeness and intimacy in a relationship, it can actually have both positive and negative impacts on a marriage, depending on the circumstances and how it’s approached.
“One of the most common reasons couples opt for sleep divorce is poor sleep quality caused by snoring, different sleep schedules, or restless behaviours like tossing and turning. When one partner’s sleep is regularly disturbed, it can affect their overall health and mood, which in turn impacts the relationship,“ she said. ”Sleeping apart can improve sleep quality for both individuals, leading to increased energy, better mental health, and improved functioning throughout the day.“
Palmer-Lowe said for couples dealing with issues like sleep apnoea or insomnia, separate rooms may allow each partner to sleep without being disturbed, leading to better overall health and well-being.
”When sleep issues become a source of tension, it can lead to resentment. One partner may feel frustrated if they are constantly woken up, while the other might feel guilty for disrupting their partner’s sleep. A sleep divorce allows the couple to address the issue without constant conflict, possibly preserving the emotional connection,“ she said.
It’s an explanation that perfectly explains Elizabeth and her husband’s situation — married for 35 years, his loud snoring eventually drove her to the couch downstairs.
“When our first child moved out I took over her room and made it into my own space,” Elizabeth said. “With better rest, we were able to spend quality time together during waking hours. Instead of focusing on shared sleep, we can engage in meaningful activities that bring us closer emotionally, strengthening our bond.”
Marcus, who encouraged his wife of 12 years to sleep in the guest room, said she was a loud, restless sleeper, and it made both partners uncomfortable, leading to less intimacy.
“By sleeping separately, we now feel more rested and refreshed, and are more intimate when we’re together,“ he said. ”Also, I’m no longer turned off from experiencing my wife, with mouth open, snoring like a man beside me, as happened when she was sleeping in our room.“
While there are benefits, Palmer-Lowe also listed the potential drawbacks of sleep divorce.
”Sleep is often a shared time for emotional connection, whether it’s through cuddling, talking, or simply sharing the quiet of the night. When couples sleep in separate rooms, it can reduce opportunities for physical closeness, which may lead to emotional detachment over time. If this pattern persists, it could lead to a sense of isolation within the marriage,“ she warned.
She said it can also lead to a perceived lack of commitment, and in some cases, one partner may feel abandoned or neglected if the other opts for a sleep divorce, especially if it’s perceived as an intentional separation.
“If not communicated properly, it could create feelings of rejection, insecurity, or a sense of emotional disconnection,” she said.
“Also, if the decision to sleep separately is used as a way to avoid dealing with underlying relationship issues, it could create more problems in the long run. Without addressing the root causes of the sleep disturbances, the sleep divorce might become a form of avoidance that leads to a deeper emotional divide.”
She said for sleep divorce to be beneficial rather than harmful, it’s important for couples to approach the decision thoughtfully and with open communication.
“Discuss the reasons behind the decision to sleep separately, ensuring that both partners are on the same page. This should be a mutual decision, not one made out of resentment or avoidance,” Palmer-Lowe said.
“Then, establish boundaries for when and how you’ll spend time together outside of sleep, ensuring that physical and emotional intimacy are maintained in other areas of the relationship. And make efforts to stay emotionally connected during waking hours, through activities like date nights, meaningful conversations, or physical affection, so that the relationship remains strong even if you’re not sleeping in the same bed.“
