Me, my guy and his baby’s mother
Dear Counsellor,
I am 32 years old and was in a relationship for over five years. I broke up with him because he wasn’t committed and would occasionally cheat. After our break-up we still saw each other intimately. Sometime later he told me that he had got a girl pregnant. He told me that he wished it had been me. I was very angry but he insisted that we stay friends.
He eventually told me he was going to do the responsible thing and move in with her. He said he did not love her. Several months later he showed up again insisting that he was not happy, and that he had been choosing between his happiness and commitment to his child.
We got together and started a relationship again. He said he would leave her as soon as he figured out how to handle a separation from the child. He insisted that he was not leading me on.
One night he was with me when she called my phone asking for him. She told me that he is very caring and supportive of her and the baby. She also said she was willing to forgive his indiscretion and focus on giving him more of her time and attention.
I love him and feel that my life is complete with him in it. How do I know if he is being honest? He has never been good at delivering bad news and tends to avoid it. Am I setting myself up?
So after five years of togetherness and with no intentions by your partner to solidify the relationship, compounded by instances of unfaithfulness, you decided to walk away. This, in the scheme of things, would have been an understandable position to take.
What was quite evident is that there was no closure, as you left the door open hoping that he would present a more optimistic plan for the both of you. So you proceeded to engage in a stop and go relationship with the gentleman.
It is true that some couples go through the, “reunited and it feels so good” routine and it works for them, for others it’s disastrous the second time around. And still there are others who play the “stop-and-go” game multiple times.
An intimate relationship is a serious undertaking that requires maturity and commitment from the partners. When two people decide to share time, attention, effort, resources, etc, they do so at great emotional risk, exposing their vulnerabilities to each other. Sadly, some people don’t appreciate the stringent requirements of maintaining a relationship and so treat it in a trivial manner. Therein lies the source of many relationship problems: one or both partners fail to commit to the relationship and so like a building with a weak foundation, it eventually disintegrates.
What the gentleman does not seem to realise is that it is not possible to give equal amounts of attention to two women without one or both being shortchanged. And because we are not a polygamous society, he has to fabricate stories in order to cover his tracks.
So back to the “stop-and-go” rendezvous you have been having. Whereas one can appreciate that you still have feelings for the gentleman, your indecisiveness is allowing him to play mind games with you. The fact that he has a child with the other woman and her interest in him, makes it difficult for him to walk away despite his expressed love for you.
The baby mother is aware of his wandering tendencies and so she has decided to keep a close tab on him. She said she has forgiven his indiscretions and vowed to give him more attention. Whereas all that is good, there is no guarantee that he will conform to her programme. As you can see, he is still pursuing you.
As the drama unfolds before your eyes, what are you going to do to safeguard your heart? Are you prepared to battle with his baby mother, who no doubt will put up resistance? Or do you take the position that since you were the first lady, you have the authority to claim what is “rightfully” yours?
You need to take an “outside looking in” view at what is going on, and then make up your mind to do what is in your best interest. Honesty and trust are two must-have qualities in a relationship. How would you rate the presence of these in the present scenario?
When you make your decision, stand by it and do not relent. This is an obvious weakness that once you overcome it, will help you in other areas of your life.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
