Dear men, here’s how to tell you’ll be single for life

SO I was reading an All Woman article on January 21,

Dear women, here’s how to tell you’ll be single for life, and while I agree with some of the men interviewed that some women are going to die single and lonely, I have my own opinion on why some men are going to suffer the same fate. This is my list of men, and I am sticking to my opinion.

THE MAN WITH THE IDENTITY CRISIS

This man is not sure if he’s a man or a woman, so he will sport plaited hair, earrings and tongue ring. This man is going to find it extremely difficult to find a serious, decent woman to marry.

THE MAN WITH NUMEROUS BABY MOTHERS

If you have six children with six different baby mothers, chances are there will be no marriage in your horizon.

FORCED BDSM

If you beat your woman and she did not consent to the beating, then you are going to find yourself lonely as that is going to be deemed abusive. Now if beating is a part of the romance, then you are home free.

THE MEN WITH PENIS ISSUES

Those men who are walking around with weapons of mass destruction or even those who are just walking with regular weapons and can’t use them and refuse to get training, or are not trainable, will be finding themselves in the cold for a long time.

NO ROMANCE

Those who have never heard of the words foreplay or flowers, or a piece of chocolate until Valentine’s Day when they are told or reminded that they have women, will also join the others above. Those men who used to take their women out before they became monogamous, and then start keeping the women home as house rats, should beware. She’s going to leave you and single life will be the outcome of your actions.

PORNOGRAPHY

Those men who believe that everything in porn movies is doable and their women must comply or else, are going to find themselves on the wrong side of the relationship spectrum. (Note to men, not everything on a video is real. Most of wrestling is fake, so is porn… just saying).

LIARS AND CHEATERS

Those men who are pathologically mendacious and barefaced, who constantly cheat on their spouses, will be single and lonely forever.

NASTY AND LAZY

Men who go into dark bathrooms and pee all over the floors, mats, seats, just because they cannot bother to turn on the lights are just darned lazy. Men who are afraid of water and do not know when to change their underwear or clothes will suffer the same fate.

PICKY EATERS

A man who wants a working woman to cook every day because he cannot eat leftovers as he was used to seeing his mother cooking every day and setting the table for daddy – and daddy would come home and have his shoes removed by the children and he sat around the table and removed his dumpling and yam out of the Pyrex dish with his meat in another dish – is no keeper. This man has another think coming, as in those days women didn’t have to go out and work and most people didn’t have microwaves and fridges.

FINANCIALLY CHALLENGED

Men who are spendthrifts and borrowers of women’s money, who always need money to pay off loans they couldn’t afford in the first place, or to buy things for their cars, or pay insurance, or to give their baby mamas, will be single and lonely too.

MEAN

If you are frugal and in Jamaican terms “mean” with your money, then that for sure will guarantee you a spot in the forever single hall of fame, whether your woman is financially stable or not.

INDECISIVENESS

If you cannot make a simple decision regarding your relationship or anything else without constant consultation and validation from friends and family, then son, you are going to be single for a long time because women love men who can make informed decisions and lead from in front.

SHALLOW

Those men who think they are God’s gift to women because they have Shaggy/Konshens looks, Asafa’s body, Yohan’s stamina and Usain’s bank account, yet they have no personality, no respect for women, and no common sense whatsoever, will find themselves with a lot of women at any given time, but they are still going to be single for life.

AGGRESSIVE AND BORING

Those who are not playful with their women, who are always serious and boring and do not know how to smile, never have anything to say when you call them, don’t understand sarcasm, and are always rigid and dull, are going to be single forever.

THE MAN WHO PUTS FRIENDS ABOVE HIS WOMAN

A man who puts his friends, whether male or female, above his woman’s needs, will be single for a long time. Note, your friends cannot keep you warm at nights, so your woman should never get the impression that she is second in the priority line.

MAMA’S BOY

The man who cannot wipe his mother’s breast milk from his mouth, who visits his mother every Sunday for dinner because in his opinion she is the best cook in the world, and who has to get validation from his mother to make every move in his life, will be single forever. Every woman wants a man who loves his mother, but at some stage you need to leave your mother alone.

WOMEN BASHERS

If after the first date with your new girlfriend you are going to bash your last girlfriend because you blame her for your failures and you take no responsibility for the demise of the previous relationship, then women are going to stay away from you. No one is perfect, and unless your ex girlfriend was a witch and you fell in love when you were drunk and right through the relationship you were still drunk, she cannot be the reason for all the problems.

HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS

If you are a man who is highly suspicious of your woman because of what other women have done to you; if you listen to her phone conversations then quiz her after, or snoop into her business, you are going to be single. No woman wants to be questioned like a criminal, trailed, or have GPS devices installed in her vehicle without her consent.

Guys, if you find yourself in three or more of these categories, get some counselling, do some introspection, and try and improve your behavior, as failure to do so will result in you being single for life.