HE’S CONTROLLING, jealous and insecure

WHILE it is always good to know that your partner shows interest in you, your friends, family and the things you do, when he becomes too controlling, jealous and insecure, you can be sure that major problems lie on the horizon.

Numerous stories have been told of women who have been abused and sometimes killed as a result of controlling or jealous partners, who felt they were losing control.

In November 2004, Paul Gooden, a former sales supervisor, was sentenced to life in prison for killing his wife Ingrid Andrade-Gooden, and dumping her body in mangroves along the Palisadoes Road in Kingston a year before. The Crown charged that between November 6 and 8, 2003, Gooden, then 39, killed his 36-year-old wife by smothering and strangling her and dumping her body, which was found with its face mutilated. They said he was motivated by jealousy, obsession and rejection.

Gooden, when he took the witness stand, portrayed himself as a loving, caring husband who was tolerant of his wife’s moods. But the trial unearthed an obsessive streak, including where Gooden sometimes spent time in the car park of his wife’s workplace. The prosecution said his motive for killing her was her rejection.

Psychologist Dr Charles Carr, in a former interview, described the actions of men like these as a compulsion that starts as an addiction, similar to that experienced by an alcoholic when he drinks. He noted that when a man or woman becomes obsessed with their partner, there is a high probability that the person has an addictive personality and a low self-esteem. A person with these two characteristics, he said, would be susceptible to becoming a controlling, jealous and obsessive lover.

“This person also very likely has not had long-lasting relationships, has had problems with their relationships before and probably has blamed himself or herself for the inability to have an enduring relationship in the past,” the doctor said. “This person, in a short period of time, comes to believe that they cannot live without the other person.”

In March, 2006, 41-year-old Troy Chambers was believed to have taken his three-year-old son outside to safety, before locking himself and the child’s mother inside their Kingston home and setting it ablaze. Firefighters discovered the partially burnt bodies of 31-year-old cosmetologist Lisa Ellis and Chambers on the floor of one of the bedrooms they shared in Marverly.

According to police, Chambers was said to have believed that Ellis was being unfaithful to him and he had lost control of her.

In another incident in March 2005, Nicholas Williams, 34, shot 15-year-old Ishieka Clarke four times before shooting himself in the head in what police said was a love affair gone sour.

And for a 30-year-old school secretary All Woman interviewed, several incidents with her husband has led her to believe that he is jealous and controlling, and could snap at any minute.

“I don’t know if I can correctly describe his actions. But my husband doesn’t allow me to go out — even though he himself does not take me out. I am not allowed to have friends, not allowed to have any male callers. He tells me I am his life and if I leave him he would kill me and kill himself. If he sees me talking to a man, no matter how simple the conversation, he creates a scene, even hitting me down in front of the person. He will just sit staring at me for long periods of time to the point where it gets very uncomfortable,” she said. “Time and time again he will tell me how much he loves me.”

She said to top if off, he gets upset easily and is the type to move from one emotional extreme to the other. One minute he will be “overbearingly loving” — not letting her out of his sight, constantly touching and hugging, coupled with silent stares. Then the next minute he is uncontrollably angry, even hitting her.

“If he tells me he loves me and I don’t say I love him too, it drives him into a frenzy, I think that is why he gets so angry. He is always telling me he knows that I do not love him. But how can you continue loving someone who behaves like that and treats you like a possession? He calls me every minute of the day, not to ask how I am doing, but to find out where I am, what I am doing and who I am with. If I don’t answer my phone he leaves the house and comes searching for me.” she said.