I’m Catholic, my fiance is Rastafarian…

HE’S an active Seventh-day Adventist and she a devout Anglican, but after 50 years of marriage, three children, two grandchildren and one great-grandchild, Ancille Gloudon and his wife, talk-show-host Barbara, are still together.

The two met in Haiti and while Gloudon had taken a break from the Seventh-day Adventist Church during the first 30 years of the marriage, he subsequently returned to the church and started abiding by the teachings of that denomination. Although both had differing views, the couple didn’t allow that to tear them apart.

“Of course there were some misunderstandings as to be expected, until we sat down,” explained Gloudon. “But the fact was that we had lived together as man and wife for over 30 years before that happened. So there was that trust, there was that dedication to each other, so that even though it presented some difficulties, they were not unsurpassable. The whole thing depended on trust and a belief in the ability of one to love and still do things that might be contrary to what the other one thinks, but without harming that relationship.”

Many denominations warn against faith mixing, as they believe that marrying someone outside your belief system presents problems that can stunt spiritual growth.

“While it may not be a big problem for a mix like say, a Church of God and a Baptist, problems can arise with mixing between groups like Adventists and Pentecostals or Pentecostals and Baptists — the problems with you believing one thing and your spouse another,” said Kirk Samuels, a deacon in a Mandeville New Testament church.

“For example, the young men in my church will have no problem with styling, make up and processed hair, while a Pentecostal would. I have no problem with sleeveless clothing or pants, while an Adventist will be more strict. And that’s just the physical, you haven’t yet gone into the intricacies of belief yet, where you may believe in tongues and I do not, where you will worship on my market day and where you may want to teach our children your way, and I, mine.”

It’s for these reasons that he said he strongly advises against mixing.

But, there are others who believe that mixing faiths, especially in today’s society, teaches one more about tolerance, and so shouldn’t be shunned.

Shawnee, who grew up Catholic, is trying to preach this to her parents, as she gets ready to marry a man who recently joined the Rastafarian faith.

The 26-year-old, who is using a pseudonym, said she fell in love at university and has no intentions of letting love pass her by, just because her soulmate comes from a different faith.

“We love each other, we are very tolerant of other people and other groups — no matter who. We believe that no one has the moral authority to judge anyone else, and it’s that tenet, that belief that I think makes us suited for one another,” she said.

Gloudon explained that in his marriage, there were initial misgivings about how the different beliefs could merge for harmony.

“One of the things that came into her mind was the fact that she would probably want to go to a party and so on, and I was no longer involved in parties, especially on a Friday night,” said Gloudon. “If it was a house gathering of families and friends, then I’d go, but I couldn’t take part in the dancing and the drinking as I used to long ago.”

But then he said, after sitting down, they realised that their different religious views had also helped to enhance their relationship.

“In some instances, it brought us closer, because what we started doing was that we started praying together in the mornings for ourselves, our children, our family, our friends and the country,” he said.

But even while basking in the success and the longevity of their marriage, Gloudon questions the wisdom of two persons from diverse faiths getting married. Fortunately for him, he and his wife had established a solid foundation long before he re-entered the church which puts them at an advantage in comparison to those sharing differing religious beliefs at the dating stage.

And like Gloudon, this is the ticking point for many pastors who question the wisdom of inter-faith marriages, especially when both persons are from two completely different religious backgrounds. Some pastors even refuse to conduct such marriages, citing it as classic example of a relationship that is “unequally yoked”.

Pastor and counselling psychologist Joan Rhule has seen a few such couples during counselling sessions, with a relationship between a Sunday worshipper and a Saturday worshipper being one of the most common.

“At counselling, you know you have to deal with a lot of things, and one of the questions I ask is how are they going to deal with one going to church on Saturday and one going on Sunday, but they say it will work, because they are madly in love,” she said.

But for her, a marriage of this nature takes more than love for continued success; it will require both individuals to communicate their concerns so that amicable solutions can be arrived at. It would also mean, as for any other relationship, that compromises would have to be made.

“You eat pork and I don’t, how are we going to manage, because one of the partners might not want it to be cooked in the home, or don’t want it to touch a cup, a plate, a fork, how are you going to deal with all of that?” she asked.

Added she: “In courtship, you need to explore all those avenues, you can’t be so in love that you can’t explore them, because you are going to be living together and sometimes you live in misery for life, or sometimes you end up in divorce, because they failed to be honest with each other.”

For Christian psychologist, Beneta Morris, marriages where both parties are from different faiths are usually fraught with challenges from the very beginning.

“If the belief is fundamentally different, then people could begin by pulling in different directions from the very outset,” she said. “If it is not Christianity and we are talking about a different faith, a different religion, that could even go further, because I am worshipping one God and you are worshipping another God and you can’t see why I believe the way that I do and there might be some customs that that relate to one status against another, so again that could be pulling persons in different directions.”

Fortunately for attorney Stacey Mitchell-Frazier, her husband, who had been raised in the Methodist and Anglican churches, did not have a problem with the fact that she subscribed to the Baha’i faith.

“It was something that was placed on the table pretty much immediately and up front, and he has been supportive. I don’t try to force him to do anything, he doesn’t try to force me to do anything, I think he knows that I am strong and committed in my views and somehow we have been able to work with it,” she said.

She said although her religious practices require a great deal of time and commitment on her part, this has not affected her three-year-old marriage.

In fact, she said her husband has been very supportive.

“He has been to Baha’i events, I went to pilgrimage to Israel two years ago and he came with me. He has been to Baha’i observations, we have said prayer together and I have used Baha’i writings on different things at our house and so he has participated in those things,” she said.

She said a mutual respect for each other’s beliefs has made it easier for them to live harmoniously, even long before they were married.

“The truth is, we can’t push someone to believe something; that’s not a helpful process, in fact it would be an insulting activity,” she said.

“Sometimes there are differences yes, but the truth is religious beliefs is a personal thing and one has to be respectful of different things, you are not always going to agree on the details, but I find that a lot of times, the fundamentals are similar.”

Her husband Stewart shares the same view. He believes their marriage is strong because they have accepted each other’s differences.

“If both of you are from different faiths and can find that common ground, where you agree to some things and disagree to others, then you will find that you have a lot in common,” he said.

Morris agrees with this stance, suggesting that interfaith couples could even visit each other’s churches sometimes too.

“One has to be more open to accept that there can be complementary approaches to doing things, rather than it being contradictory,” she said.

But then when children are involved in the relationship, it becomes even more challenging as both the husband and the wife may want their children to abide by their religious principles.

“In raising children, I am of the view that both persons would have to agree, even before they start having children, how they are going to approach it as there are some religious beliefs that says that the children all must be of this faith and if that is the stance that is taken and the other person doesn’t support it, that can be a problem,” Morris said.