‘I’m not sure I like being a mom’

SIX months. That’s exactly how long the euphoria that comes with chubby cheeks and gurgles lasted for Kai, now 28, who had her son five years ago.

It’s euphoria her husband and doctor said would return — there was no sign of post-partum depression, no medical reasoning behind her feelings, which they both assumed stemmed from all the responsibilities that came with first- time motherhood.

“But they didn’t realise that it wasn’t about being depressed or feeling overwhelmed,” the mother, whose name and others in this story have been changed to protect their families, said. “Six months into motherhood the realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks — I’m not sure I like being a mom, as all my dreams died with the baby’s arrival.”

Counselling psychologist Ivret Williams said motherhood is a calling — some women are called, some aren’t.

“Some women are mothers, but they don’t have kids, some women have kids, but they’re not mothers,” Williams explained. “You have to be committed to it. A mother needs to go that extra mile for her children. Motherhood is about being prepared to be disturbed 24/7, you no longer have a life; your life has to be twinned with this child’s.”

It’s this ‘twinning’ that Lisa is having problems with, eight years into motherhood.

“It’s terrible what children do to the lives of people who are unprepared for them,” the mother of three young children said. “Forget for a moment about the cuteness, the chubby cheeks and the watery smiles, or the way they sleep, or their innocence. I’ll be straight with you — women’s dreams have died, their lives have been destroyed because they had babies. Sure, motherhood can be great, but I’m so over ‘loving it’. Sadly, motherhood has been romanticised for ages, and now everybody thinks they have to do it, and then three kids later you just sit back and watch your life as you knew it change forever.”

Added 35-year-old Laura: “I planned my son, ironically. When I had him I was happy, I planned to finally settle down, and I had a new apartment, supportive boyfriend, career and everything. Then when he turned one I started getting antsy. When would I be able to go out again? When would I get to travel again? Why didn’t I ever have enough money? Then resentment set in, because I realised then that the picket fence dream wasn’t for me at all, and I cried for days when I had to accept the way my life had turned out. I had to accept that for the rest of his life my needs would have to take second place to his. I love him dearly, but I wish I was busy doing something else!”

Long-time mothers like 63-year-old Michelle Dwyer, a self-professed parenting expert who mothered nine children and is grandmother to six, said it’s perfectly normal to dislike being a mother sometimes — as long as the times when you love being a mother outlasts the dislike.

“You have to understand and accept that motherhood is a transformation and it’s perfectly normal to have doubts about how you’re handling it and about whether the life changes are for the better,” Dwyer said. “Every mother has different feelings about her children at the different stages — as babies they’re precious; as toddlers they can be intolerable; as teenagers they can be monsters; and as adults they can make you proud. The key is to accept that you’re only human when you have doubts. The problems arise when the doubts take over; if you’re single and 90 per cent positive that you don’t want to be a mother, don’t do it!”

It’s that doubt, that realisation that prevents 30-year-old Monique Wright from having children, even though her husband tries everything to get her to.

“I decided not to have children because I feel none of the enjoyment or excitement that most people seem to get from babies,” Wright said. “I don’t particularly like children. I think babies are cute, but I think children are obnoxious. I told my husband that before we got married. It’s not a feeling that will change. I would never allow myself to bring a child into the world, knowing I have no love for children — even if it costs me my marriage.”

That’s the perspective Williams said women should adopt before they have children, even though society and culture sometimes force women into the motherhood role. She also said it may be hard for women who have never had their mother’s love, or have known love, to transfer love to a child.

“A child needs emotional care,” Williams said. “If you can’t give that, then you shouldn’t have a child. Being a mother is not just giving a child the physical things; the love of a mother means doing anything to ensure that your child is well. It’s important in premarital counselling to address this.”

Added the psychologist: “Society sometimes pushes you into that direction. But some women have a gravitational pull towards children and some women don’t. If you don’t feel the pull to be a mother, don’t do it.”

But what about women who have children, then realise afterwards that there’s no pull?

Sophia Long, a Jamaican social worker living in Canada, explains the impact this can have on the child. It’s a situation she’s personally familiar with.

“My mother who raised me alone from age three told me all the time that she didn’t want children, and only had me because she was expected to,” Long said. “When my father died, it got worse. Everything I did, everything that went wrong, I’d hear the words ‘why did I have this child?’ I tried to do everything right — I got the good grades, and I gave no trouble, but it was never enough. I’m now 31 years old and I spent years feeling guilt over it. And though my mother died some years ago, I still hear her voice and still feel the pain from knowing that I was not wanted.”

David Goodlitt, a Kingston-based church elder and counsellor, cautions mothers who have doubts about their children against making the doubts known to the kids.

“Whatever you do, even if you feel [like you regret having kids] don’t pass it on to the child,” he said.

He advises that mothers try to get to the root of the problem, and get spousal support as much as possible.

“I’d advise spouses to always make the mothers feel appreciated and wanted,” Goodlitt said. “Chip in and allow the mothers to have free time. Many mothers view motherhood as restrictive because they can’t get to do the things they normally would. But mothers, don’t allow your spouse to get away.”

He said some males add to the emotional instability by not being there to help with their children.

“But if the spouse plays a more active role, if the spouse encourages her to fulfil her dreams — she can go to school, she can go out — then it makes things easier,” he said.

Goodlitt also advises mothers to seek comfort, not in depression or people who feed off depression, but in friends who can encourage them to do their best, and who encourage them to strive to fulfil the goals they pursued before becoming mothers.

Added Dwyer: “Being a mother doesn’t mean that your life ends. Many women think this, but that’s wrong. You don’t have to give anything up to be a mother. You can reach your dreams and seek your goals; you can climb the ladders and live your life as usual. The key to your success is in balancing your life and using your time wisely.”