Settling for the substandard
PICTURE this. You’re living with a man who hardly ever comes home early. By the time he makes it home, the kids are fast asleep and you too have given in to the need to get some rest. He doesn’t take you out, birthdays are no big deal, he doesn’t go out of his way to hide the fact that he is playing around with someone else – and you just suck it all up.
Sounds fanciful? Fact is, many women settle for mediocrity for various reasons – some financial, some emotional, others because they just can’t bother. It’s something many women can relate to, the stuff of advice columns and ‘bleeding-heart’ songs, the stuff of marriages which are barely hanging on by the strings. It’s life – life as hundreds of women know it.
Says Janet H: “Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to move on and find someone else. The way I see it men are going to be men. You will just be moving from one cheater to another. So why bother?”
Her beliefs are echoed by Michelle Brown, who admits to “hating” her husband, but lacking “the interest to go through the whole marriage thing again”.
“I know he has a girlfriend, but he provides for the children and we’re married and everything, so I just can’t be hassled,” she says. “And now we’re planning to buy a house, so I don’t see why I should change things now, especially since in my experience, you live with one man, you live with them all – they’re all the same frogs.”
Counselling psychologist Joan Rhule says some women rely on such relationships as their main source of income, despite whatever ill the man may commit.
“[For example, if there’s abuse], some women don’t care as long as they are financially OK,” she says.
She also says some women will settle for the substandard because they have low self-esteem.
Rhule also took a dig at some of the songs blasting on the airwaves, which are very disrespectful to women, and adds to the perception of what a woman’s role should be.
“These songs, they discriminate against women, talking about body parts and how they see women. [They say that] women must be used
and abused, they are disgraceful,”
she says.
And it’s this perception that leads some women to accept or settle in to situations that others, looking on, naturally deem odd.
Like the story of Theresa S, who has chosen to turn a blind eye to her husband’s infidelities, in an effort at maintaining peace.
Theresa is currently involved in a love triangle where her husband is having an affair with a woman who lives on the same street as she does.
She knows about the affair but chooses to peacefully co-exist with the other woman.
And Janet W, who is employed in a “very good job”, and has two children with her man, says the thought of having to interrupt their lives is more than enough reason for her to stay in an otherwise unbearable situation where she is being mistreated.
“He is paying his share of the bills, despite him being a lousy husband, he is a good father to the kids, I can live with that. Besides, I am not highly charged when it comes to sex, so it’s neither here nor there to me,” was the resigned comment.
For Brown, the solution to the problem lies in creating, what she admits, is a little “spice” of her own.
“I have a man too,” she admits. “So I don’t feel like I’m settling. I feel more like I’m enjoying the same things my husband is, plus I’m getting the fruits of both his labour and my boyfriend’s.”
Rhule cautions women to always put a high price tag on themselves. “It’s time women put value on themselves, a high premium ’cause we are special,” she says. “When you value yourself you don’t settle for mediocrity.”
And empowerment? “Try by tapping into the unused potential that you have. No matter what is happening to you, there are alternatives. Find good friends, you can even be a part of the church activities, look for positive role models,” she says.
