Faking it
IT started as a test. One night nurse Janice Guerva says she was tired – she had a long shift at work and had just prepared dinner, when her then fiancé suggested that they test out the move they’d seen on Cinemax the night before.
There was no stopping his ardour and so she went ahead, and with her mind miles away, made the appropriate sounds and moves until he was finished.
“There was no ‘little death’ for me. But it worked better than I’d even imagine,” she tells all woman. I don’t think that to this day he realised. We’re separated now, but he always thought that we had a satisfying sex life. If he only knew…”
Faking it.
“Generally, a person’s motivation for faking an orgasm is to avoid causing feelings of sexual inadequacy in their partner,” the Internet’s free encyclopedia Wikipedia says. “Not all people are aware of the possibility of faking an orgasm, while others can’t separate the real from the fake.”
In this reporter’s hairdressing parlour in Half-Way-Tree, the question is posed to the women there. Have you ever faked an orgasm? And did he ever find out?
After the chuckles die down, the confessions start.
“You have to consider other things apart from just how you feel,” Nashelle shared. “And when your man come home and want sex, and you been working since seven o’ clock in the morning and you tired, tired, you can’t say no all the time because him will feel rejected, so you have to try a thing. And most time them so happy, them not even realise.”
FACT
ANORGASMIA is a form of sexual dysfunction sometimes classified as a psychiatric disorder where an individual cannot achieve orgasm, even with sufficient stimulation. It can also be caused by medical problems such as diabetic neuropathy, multiple sclerosis, pelvic trauma, hormonal imbalances, total hysterectomy, spinal cord injury and cardiovascular disease. Anorgasmia is more common in females. -Wikipedia
Maxine, a nurse tells her story.
“My husband is a soldier, so I only see him on weekends. When he comes home I’m often tired from all my hours at work, and the first thing he wants to do is jump on top of me. I know from experience that if I say no, he won’t give me money to shop the next day.
So I just roll my eyes and say ‘Go there big boy’, and the next morning when I wake up the money is on the dresser, and I can go and get a massage or something to clear my mind.”
In an article in the UK’s Sun Newspaper published in early April, the writers pointed to a survey done by market researchers OnePoll, which showed that a third of UK women regularly fake orgasms.
“The average woman has sex 99 times a year. But on 34 occasions the earth does NOT move. In the poll of 4,000 women, 30 per cent admitted they had faked an orgasm with EVERY partner they have had. And 90 per cent say men cannot distinguish a fake from the real thing. Twenty per cent said they thought about other men during sex to turn themselves on.”
And Internet checks show survey after survey done worldwide with the same results – women occasionally fake it, and most men are none the wiser.
Racquel McCarthy, counselling psychologist and sex adviser on Sex Wise, aired on IRIE FM, says she is not sure of the percentage of women locally who actually fake the act, but that a lot of women do it.
“How a woman gives herself sexually is directly tied to the type of relationship that she shares with the man,” McCarthy said. “If she is in a relationship that she is comfortable with, that she can explore in, that she can express herself without the fear of being criticised, then she will feel free in trusting someone with her body. [On the other hand], if the woman wants to keep the man because of the level of security that the man provides, [she understands that] a part of keeping him is to stroke his ego, this she will do by faking an orgasm.”
Back to the hairdressing shop, and the nail technician Melanie recounts a particularly funny episode that her boyfriend still brags about to this day.
“His name is Ryan, and Ryan also happens to be the name of this dude I’ve been watching on this African DVD,” she said. “So one night we were there, and I wasn’t feeling lovey dovey at all, all I wanted to do was go to watch part three of the show. Well my boyfriend started touching me, and after a while I started thinking about the show I was missing. Somehow my mind went to Ryan the actor and I started to get more and more interested. Of course when I called out for Ryan, my boyfriend wasn’t even on my mind. To this day he brags about how he made me scream that night. I just shake my head and smile.”
What was interesting about the OnePoll survey, was that over 80 per cent of women polled said they would rather be with a man who was a “flop” in bed, but who was kind, caring and a good provider, than a sensational lover who showed little or no affection.
Back in Jamaica it’s much of the same.
“Many women think more about what else they can get from the relationship rather than just the sex,” Maxine said. “The truth is, you have to think about paying your children’s school fees and finding a good partner and provider. You can’t just think of sexual fulfilment all the time. Sure you can pretend that your man is a dads all the time, and he will never know.
The truth is that when he’s satisfied, and when he rolls over with that smile on his face and say ‘baby yuh come?’, you have to think fast. Should you tell him no, and risk him getting upset or worse going out to find a woman who will ‘come’ all the time? Or can you just say yes, and keep him happy? I found out that keeping him happy means more rewards for me in the long run.”
Twenty-six-year-old Cynthia Pinnock has been married for six years. After the third year into the marriage, the couple started experiencing problem after problem, to the point where her husband became abusive physically and verbally. Pinnock explained that after awhile she just could not feel any connection with him sexually. “We tried to work things out, so we resumed our sexual activities. Only this time, I felt nothing. So I faked it. I wanted him to feel that he had done something wonderful. But in reality, I just wanted it to be over and done with. For the life of me, he swears he satisfies me all the time!”
Faking it is simple
Faking it, Pinnock explains is simple. For her, getting a climax has always been about making a lot of uninhibited sounds – screaming curse words and getting wild.
These she says her husband knows, and so she makes sure to do the very same things when faking it. He still doesn’t know the difference.
Keisha Reid, a public relations officer, shares similar views, explaining that faking it means behaving the same way she would when she is actually having an orgasm.
“You know how your body reacts when you reach a climax and you know the sounds you make – just do the same things,” she advised.
“It doesn’t take a lot of effort. But you don’t want to overdo it either or he will know something is not right. Some men are such idiots – they don’t even know the difference. Sometimes you are just not into it. You might just be very tired or have had a terrible day and you don’t want the person to feel bad. If you don’t do it [make love] he might start thinking you are not attracted to him anymore, or that he is no good, or that there is someone else. When this is not true, for their sakes, you fake it!”
McCarthy gives other reasons for faking:
1. If there is a premature relationship where you are just playing around but don’t feel comfortable with the person nor the person with you;
2. Some women are just not ready for sexual intercourse and all the dynamics that come with a sexual relationship;
3. Some women fake because they may be tired and really just want to get it over with;
4. Some are not mature in the sex act which is a gradual process that you have to grow into, to the point where you will have to allow somebody to explore you and you explore that person so that a climax can be achieved.
But does it really matter if she fakes it, if the man is satisfied?
“Not at all,” Brian the barber at the hairdressing parlour joins in. “I just want know seh me alright. I know I’m good in bed. Every woman I know tell me so. I try mi best and if she tell me seh she alright, me nah prolong the argument. Mi nuh care if is lie she telling. Mi nah push it.”
Added Dave, a 39-year-old police corporal: “If she wants to fake it and tell lie that she is satisfied, that is her problem. She could simply tell the man and he would try to make her feel satisfied. Me, I know all the old tricks in the book – she has to reach!” he said confidently. “Many women I have been with when they reach that height, they black out, so I know…”
Interestingly, an online poll done by the dating site www.lavalife.com shows an astounding 48 per cent of the 9,100 men polled saying that they too have faked an orgasm. Lavalife is ranked among the top 10 worldwide dating sites.
“When it comes to faking orgasms, people assume that it’s primarily done by women,” says Ambrose Diaz, a contributing editor to Lavalife Magazine, who researched the topic. “The poll we conducted on www.lavalife.com shows us that it’s definitely not just women who are faking it, but a large number of men as well.”
Added he: “Wearing a condom makes it easy. The men who have faked an orgasm without a condom just told their partners they didn’t ejaculate very much.”
According to Diaz, many of the reasons men fake orgasms are similar to those of women: they are tired, they just want to be done, or they just aren’t into sex that particular night. Some thought they were going to lose their erection or felt they were lacking an emotional connection.