When discipline becomes abuse
Buff! Buff! Buff!
“Mi wi bruk yuh up yuh know pickney. Bruk every bone in yuh body and sen yuh go hospital! Yu think mi care,” said the irate mother as she used a book to beat her child over the head.
“Yuh bright and facety bout yuh a walk off on mi! A woman yuh a turn!” she shouted as the blows rained on the screaming, twisting and crying eight year-old child.
As I watched her beat the child, I was caught between two worlds.
On the one hand, I could understand the frustrations of a mother wanting to rear a well rounded individual — a process that is impossible without discipline. I could empathise too with her loss of self-control because I know that kids at times can provoke you so much that you just want to beat the daylights out of them. (And I am a patient, very non-violent person.)
But on the other hand, I felt sorry for the child — not only for the beating but also the harsh words that came along with it. I could not help wondering at the emotional scars that were being formed there.
I started checking myself and wondering about the ways in which I disciplined my kids. It is such a thin line between discipline and abuse that I wondered if at any time I had crossed the bounds.
Some reassurance came from pediatrician, Dr Carolyn Boyd.
“The punishment has to fit the crime — it depends on what the offence is. Beating is not the answer all the time,” said Boyd, who has been practising for 13 years. She also has two children. She explained that parents crossed the line between beating and abuse when wounds were inflicted.
“Beating should not cause any damage. If there is anything like a fracture, cut, wound, head injury or so on then you are guilty of physical abuse,” she said.
Beating is a common form of discipline in Jamaica and many parents will tell you ‘not to spare the rod and spoil the child.’ Others, however, are learning that beating has to be administered with care and that there are disciplinary alternatives.
“I used to beat my children all the time. I would use anything I could find to hit them . Sometimes they would have wales on their skin for days. But now I realise that maybe I could have tried other ways,” said a mother of six grown children, who did not wish to be named.
According to her, in earlier days beating was the only disciplinary alternative.
“Now my daughter will give her children the look and they behave. Or she threatens them with a certain punishment and they behave,” she said. She explained that since reaching adulthood several of her children had told her that she had beat them unjustly — many times for doing things that they had not done.
“Sometimes too it was not so much that you were angry at them but that you are so frustrated and you just take it out on them,” she explained.
For parents who beat their children, Boyd offered the following advice:
“When you punish children it should know that it is done in love. If you are punishing and constantly cursing the child without also showing love you could be walking the road of emotional abuse,” she said.
The point was further strengthened by head of the Pediatric Association of Jamaica, Dr Minerva Thame.
“You have to be careful how you discipline. I don’t believe in beating as it encourages and enforces aggression. It is best to look at other punishment alternatives.
Both Thame and Boyd recommended the following:
* taking away privileges like the watching of the television
* carefully outlining consequences of action and enforcing the consequences and in the case of older children restriction from beloved activities or grounding.
When your child winds you up, there’s a chance that you could say or do something that might harm them or make them feel bad. The following tips should help you to cool down and control your anger:
* Breathe slowly and deeply and count to ten.
* Remind yourself that you are the adult, and can set a good example on how to behave for your child.
* Think about what you’re about to say. How would you feel if another adult said it to you?
* Go into another room on your own for a minute and think about why you are angry. Is it really because of your child or is something else upsetting you?
* Ring your partner or someone you can talk to. The problem may not seem so bad once you’ve shared it with another adult.
* Go outside for a breath of fresh air.
* When things really get you down, plan a treat for yourself. Choose something that makes you feel good – a quiet cup of tea alone, a hot bath or a visit to the shops.
* Humour is sometimes the best remedy. Try to see the funny side of things if you can.
* Leave the room and scream if you feel like. It’s better to shout at the walls than at the children.
* Visualise a beautiful, peaceful scene, or your own idea of paradise. This can help to calm you down.
Taken from the Internet
Discipline – Some Tips
* Rather than noticing bad behaviour, really go out of your way to notice the times your child behaves well. Remember what you pay attention to will happen more often.
* Saying what you want, is more positive, gives children clear ideas on how to behave and is thus more likely to succeed.
* If you do give a child a consequence to a rule, be prepared to enforce it. When they know you won’t give in, problems will be reduced
* Be consistent in your approach and before giving up on any approach give it time, as young children need to experience things a few times before the message sinks in.
* Criticize the action, not the child – constantly telling a child that they are bold or bad will damage their self esteem and reduce their self-confidence.
* Consequences have to be realistic and occur straight away, especially in the case of young children.
* Children who are not smacked can be just as well-behaved as those who are.