Malvolio:
By my life,

This is my lady’s hand

Those are her C’s, her U’s

N her T’s

And thus marks her great P’s

— Shakespeare, Twelfth Night, 2, 5

DOES Shakespeare have to spell it out for you, even as that guy Malvolio spelt it out when he read that letter from his lady? Do I really have to spell it out? Read between the lines, put the letters together and you’ll get the gist of the bawdy tale. Just look at the quote above again and try to decipher what naughty word is being spelt out, right before your very eyes and right under your nose.

Even from those olden days there were ribald jokes, with hidden meanings, that were subtly sprinkled among the prose of the plays that were uttered on stage. Lurid prose and salacious poetry were the order of the day, for even from way back then, people were obsessed with sex.

Oh yes, don’t let what those puritans wrote about in those sanitised history books fool you, they were as prurient is those days as a sailor on shore leave after months at sea.

And it takes all types, for there is no one type of person who indulges in sex as there are different strokes for different folks, and what pleases one man may certainly not please another.

There are as many different types of preferences as there are letters in the alphabet, and that’s why I call it the ABC of sex. This is not for the faint-hearted or the prudes but for those who wish to be educated and edified.

But guess what? Some of the prudes among you may already know what I’m about to say, for nobody knows more about sex than than those who profess to hold it in disdain.

So let’s indulge in the ABC of sex, right after we see what these readers had to say about my sermon on ‘Pulpit, pleasure or pariah’.

Greetings Tony,

Very insightful piece. The reasons you have outlined for lack of interest in church contain much truth. I believe there is a correlation between church apathy and the condition of the nation. Part of the challenge is that churches have not sought to engage successive generations in relevant ways. At ‘Swallow’ we are striving to systematically and deliberately address reaching younger generations. As a nation we need to seriously address our spiritual condition, otherwise we will continue down the slippery slope of destruction. We need the Church, we need Jesus.

Pastor David

Teerob,

Great article. I’m somewhat daft when it comes to anything religious, apart from what I learned in Sunday School. I go to church once in a while, though. And yes, I believe in the Creator.

PT

Now, as in all things on this blessed Earth, people have different inclinations, preferences and tastes when it comes to sex. There is no handbook, no manual, no formula. For some, it’s purely a choice, while for others it’s beyond their control. So, what pleases one person may disgust another.

I did say that this is about the ABC of sex, so where better to start than at the beginning — A. Despite the rampant sexuality that permeates our society, there are still some people who simply cannot be bothered with sex and actually wonder what the fuss is all about. They are asexual. That’s the term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction towards individuals of any gender.

“I have no feelings at all about sex so don’t even bother to look my way.”

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviour.

So, the person who is asexual has no feeling or desire whatsoever regarding sex, while the person who is celibate has feelings but chooses not to indulge. Many of those priests who took vows of celibacy bruk out and break those vows if given half a chance, but the person who is asexual is as dormant or dead as an extinct volcano, never a spark.

So we go to B — the bisexual. That’s the person who is sexually or romantically attracted to both men and women, or to more than one sex or gender.

“She has known for some time that she is bisexual.”

I guess it’s like being ambidextrous, being able to use both hands with equal dexterity. I’m sure you’ve seen batsmen who can bat and bowl with their left or right hand.

Now, the bisexual may think that they have the best of both worlds, have their cake and eat it too, but I think that it can be downright dangerous. Many wives have been victims of strange types of STDs, including HIV/AIDS, because of husbands who were bisexual.

So, he has a boyfriend who he sleeps with unprotected, then goes home to his wife who he also sleeps with unprotected and passes on whatever he picked up outta street. This is so unfair to the poor wife, who often has no clue about her husband’s bisexuality.

Then, of course, there are bisexual women who love to get it on with both men and women.

“I like to feel the soft tenderness of a woman but also the hard force of a man.”

For some strange reason, though, many men do not feel so aggrieved or threatened by this behaviour as they would be if their girlfriend or wife had a man on the side. If he discovered that his woman was cheating on him with another man he’d blow a fuse, but if it was with another woman he might not feel so bad about it.

“She giving me bun, but is with another woman so a nuh nutten.”

“Dat a nuh bun boss, don’t worry bout dat.”

That’s a very strange logic and sexual hypocrisy.

But think about it, if you walked in and saw your woman kissing her girlfriend or walked in and saw her kissing another man, how would you feel?

Then, of course, there is the heterosexual, who is perhaps the most popular of all, although the numbers may be dwindling. It’s a most important group, for without heterosexuals the human race would ease to exist. Heterosexuals are necessary for propagation, for continuance of the species, for breeding.

A heterosexual is a person who is sexually or romantically attracted to people of the opposite sex. In other words, men are attracted to women and vice versa, with much of the emphasis being on vice sometimes.

“It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.” — Abraham Lincoln.

Heterosexuality is the leading cause of children in the world, and as the song by Ella Fitzgerald goes, “Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it.”

Heterosexuality is also the leading cause of marriage in the world, although some of the other groups are trying to catch up. I really can’t see asexuals getting married though, for after all, how would they consummate the marriage?

That being said, I personally knew an asexual lady who got married and it was a disaster. She’s very candid about her condition also.

“I just don’t have any feelings regarding sex at all.”

The cruel irony is, she’s a very attractive, sexy-looking woman too, so it’s a bit like false advertising. Not her fault, though. I’ve always said, not because a woman is beautiful and sexy means that she likes sex. So many men will pursue them, only to be disappointed.

Ironically, many unattractive or downright ugly women have a strong sex drive but sadly, no man wants to go there. Life can be cruel, and God does have a sense of humour, they say.

Another group is the homosexuals, which perhaps is the most taboo group of all — at least they used to be so back in the day. Homosexuality is a sexual orientation wherein individuals are primarily attracted to people of the same sex.

Their numbers seem to be increasing, or is it that they are more emboldened to come out of the closet? Or perhaps they’ve garnered more acceptance from some societies? In some jurisdictions they even affix the word pride to their status, as in gay pride. How about heterosexual pride, asexual pride, celibate pride? But I tek serious ting mek joke.

Then finally there is the moneysexual, a term that I just recently came across. “Moneysexual is not a widely recognised term and its meaning is context-dependent. It could potentially refer to a sexual preference or attraction that is influenced or centred around wealth and financial power,” reads the definition.

This includes transactional sex, which is the most obvious form and includes the world’s oldest profession. The man pays, the woman delivers, done deal. But there is a subtle form too whereby the man pays and doesn’t even know that he’s paying. It’s sort of like an understanding, a subtle quid pro quo, something for something, but no cash actually is involved.

It’s subtle, for no woman is going to admit openly that she’s moneysexual.

“What are you, asexual, bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual?”

“None of the above, I’m moneysexual.”

It’s not gender-specific either, for there are moneysexual men also. Timophelia dictionary defines it as, “A primary arousal from gold and wealth.” People do get attracted to money and it really does turn them on.

“Every time I see plenty money I get an orgasm.”

They do say that money and power are the greatest aphrodisiacs.

What a world we live in, but to each his own I guess. And as the old saying goes, “Every man for himself, and devil take the hindmost.”

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: I’ve always said how gifted and talented our people are. Many years ago I had guys from the inner city working with me who could repair very complicated television broadcast equipment, even though they had no formal training. Well, I know a man who can actually repair those complicated computer systems that are standard in all high-end vehicles. He, too, is self-taught, and even though the experts say that it can’t be done, he repairs them all the time. That’s how gifted he is. I think he’s the only person in Jamaica who does that, too. We truly are a remarkable people.