He wants another baby but…
Dear Counsellor,
My husband wants another baby, but I have not told him that I tied my tubes after our last child. I thought personally that three was enough, and because I am saddled with all the household responsibilities and taking care of the children, I thought I should choose me for once. Now it’s been two years of us “trying”, and he is getting frustrated and spiteful because I’m not getting pregnant. His behaviour confirms to me that I did the right thing, but what do you think? Should I confess or have him continue to believe that I’m no longer fertile?
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You have had a tubal ligation and did not tell your husband, and now he wants another child. Understood. While it is understandable that you want to be practical about managing the size of your family, especially since you already have three children and are stressed and stretched, not telling your husband that you were having that procedure done is a breach of trust. Those kinds of decisions really should be made together, as a team, except in cases of medical emergency. It may have been the “right thing” from a family planning standpoint, however, I think you’ve done the right thing the wrong way.
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If it has been two years of you “trying” that means it has been two years of you lying to him. Not good! I understand that it’s a difficult issue, especially if he has left you to do all the housework and manage the children. You’ve said, “I thought I should choose me”. Yes, that’s fine, but choosing you should not necessarily destroy the family. What was necessary was for you to use strong negotiation and persuasive skills, to convince him that “tying off” was the way to go. But now you’ve made a unilateral decision, which could impact your marriage and family. Ensuring a healthy family life is “choosing you” too.
My advice:
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Talk to him: I believe you should confess. I don’t think living with a lie is healthy. So consider setting up an occasion for a conversation in which he can listen and hear you. I’d suggest possibly taking him out for dinner. Then with great humility tell him what you did and that you were burdened with everything. Reassure him of your love and commitment while apologising for making the decision alone and for deceiving him for so long. I’d suggest that you tell him you’ll make things up to him (being creative) and promise him future honesty and transparency.
Consider getting support: If you think your husband will blow a fuse when you break it to him, then get support. Ask a friend or two that he respects to be there with you. Explain the situation to them.
Get counselling: Whatever you choose to do, counselling may be prudent for you. Hopefully you can also attend sessions together. He will need to understand your stress. He will also need to figure out how to assist you, and how to relieve the stress you are experiencing, while dealing with what you disclose, should you indeed disclose it. You also mentioned that “his behaviour confirms” that you did the right thing. There’s obviously an underlying grievance issue to be resolved, for both of you. Him being “spiteful” makes me wonder if he may perceive you were not telling him the truth.
Pray for the best: Prayer is always powerful and helpful. But since there’s been two years of deception involved, that has implications. And your husband will be quite hurt. Making things right will take smart work. But consider what you will do in the event he: 1) will want a separation or 2) will want a divorce or 3) will want to be vengeful.
I pray for you both, that peace, love, and harmony, along with mutual care and respect, will saturate your marriage and your entire family.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
