My father’s wit and my mother’s tongue assist me

To you, your father should be as a god,

One that composed your beauties,

Yes, and one to whom you are but a form in wax,

By him imprinted and within his power

To leave the figure or disfigure it.

— Shakespeare, Love’s Labour’s Lost

THAT quote sounds so eloquent and noble, erudite even, as it speaks about how a child should view parents, and try to be like them, emulate them, have the characteristics such as the father’s wit, and the mother’s tongue — assuming, of course, that the parents are bestowed with those attributes.

That can be great, and for those of us who were fortunate to have had great parents, we can count ourselves among the blessed. Yes, I have my father’s wit for he was a witty, erudite, and pleasant man. As far back as I can remember, people have always told me, ‘You’re just like your father,’ which I took as a compliment for I always admired his wit and brilliance.

I could never beat him at Scrabble. Anyone in media old enough to remember him, MG Robinson, a pioneer in radio and television, can corroborate my story. Plus, the way that he treated people opened many doors for me in my younger days.

“You’re MG’s son? I have to help you, for your father did so much for me.”

You see how a parent’s deeds can impact a child’s welfare?

And yes, I also got my mother’s tongue, maybe not as smooth and fluent — for she was a teacher by profession — but certainly sharp and to the point, for she certainly had a way with words.

So, clearly, we are influenced by our parents, and in many cases we are who we are because of them. But what happens if the parents are awful and the influence is negative, bad, disgusting, terrible, pathetic?

We’ll find out, right after these responses regarding what I had to say about ‘Time to leave’.

Hi Tony,

When couples start to disrespect each other continually, it’s time to start thinking about leaving. Disrespect is the first sign that the relationship is heading in the wrong direction, and planning your exit is the first step. There should be a line that, when crossed, the plan should be executed, and one or both should leave without delay.

Marcia

Hi Teerob,

I hear you, but it’s not so easy to leave after you have invested so much of your life, time and effort into the relationship. There’s the house, the children, the friends, the social circles, and the family. Why should I walk away from those and leave just because of a stupid man? I’m too old to start over, plus all that he’ll do is bring in someone else in to take my place. Despite how toxic it is I’ll bear it and enjoy what I have built. I call it my penance, but I’m not going anywhere.

Danielle

There’s a verse in the Bible about honouring thy father and thy mother. It’s the fifth commandment, ‘Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land your God is giving you.’ All that’s well and good but what happens if those parents are not worthy of being honoured? That was brought to my attention recently by three persons who had very bad experiences with their parents.

One gentleman was so incensed and angry at his father that he said, “Honour who? That man was wicked and doesn’t deserve my honour.”

Another gentleman expressed that his father hated him and he, in turn, despised him. “That man actually told me to get out of his house, and take set pon me all of my life. I hope he rots in hell.”

The solo female in the group said she didn’t even know her father, as he refused to acknowledge her presence, and she only saw him three times in her life. “And yet, when I became ‘somebody’ I heard that he would walk around and tell people that I was his daughter.”

All this was alien to me, for I grew up with parents who I simply adored, admired and loved. They were always supportive of anything that I wanted to do, and encouraged me along the way, giving sound advice and guidance. I always remember my father telling me, “As soon as you start working, join a credit union and save.” Invaluable advice there.

But there are bad parents too, and not everyone who has children is cut out to be a parent, or deserves the title. Yes, some parents are pathetic, and this is reflected many times in the behaviour of the children. Do you think that it’s by accident some children behave the way that they do nowadays? They live what they learn, and they learn all the bad ways from their parents.

“Him is just like him puppa, bad nuh yaws.”

“She tek after her modda, breed fah every man in the area.”

When a parent can march down to school and fight off teacher, how do you expect that child to behave? Regarding that most recent incident, what puzzles me is that despite the report that the parent invaded the staff room of the school to retrieve her child’s bag, and was restrained from doing so by the teacher, the police arrested both the parent and the teacher for assault.

And we wonder why teachers are stressed out and fearful of working in that toxic environment? Not only do they have violent children to deal with, but violent parents too. Someone invades your space, assaults you, and you defend your position, only to be arrested. What’s wrong with that scenario?

Some parents do not deserve to be parents, and unfortunately their transgressions and sins are generational. The sins of the parents are passed down to the pickney dem, so the children are basically doomed.

“The sins of the parents are the destinies of their children, unless the children wake up and do something about it.”

The Bible speaks of this, “The sins of the parents are visited upon the children for generations to come, unless the children can break that chain.” But can they?

Pathetic parents transcend genders, and I will hazard a guess and say that there are more bad fathers than there are bad mothers. Fathers can be cruel to their children but there are other situations where fathers are simply absent from the lives of their children — and it’s been said that Jamaica has the highest incidence of absentee fathers in the world.

Does this correlate with the fact that Jamaica also has the highest incidence of paternity fraud in the world? The men meet women, impregnate them, then leave, never to be seen or heard from again, then the next man is unknowingly ‘given’ that child by the mother.

There are thousands of children in this land who do not know their fathers. That’s why it’s been said that’s part of the reason why some women have so many different fathers for their children. They get pregnant for one man, but he leaves, so she gets pregnant for the next man, hoping that he’ll stick around, but he doesn’t, so she continues until she has five children or more for multiple men.

“One time is accident, two time is purpose,” so what are three, four and five?

Then there are fathers who stay but are abusive to the children, so maybe it’s better that he should have left anyway. Some fathers never support their children in any way, and constantly berate them, abuse them, curse them, resulting in a broken child.

But what about the mothers who are pathetic parents? This can be most destructive to a child’s upbringing and behaviour. Some spoil their children rotten to the core, with the misguided impression that by giving the child everything that is asked for, they are providing for the child. It’s a bottomless pit that’s never filled.

The child can do no wrong and grows up with a sense of entitlement, expecting that everything should be handed to him on a platter. If you notice I said him, for it’s been my observation that many mothers act this way far more towards their sons than their daughters.

Look around and you’ll see the weak, spineless, spoilt, pathetic boys who continue to live off their mothers. They never manage to sever the umbilical cord; no, the navel string is never cut from the pathetic parent.

Can you blame the child after all? As a twig is bent so shall it shall grow. Who bends that twig or puts it in an upright, straight position? Should the blame lay solely on the shoulders of the mothers who continue to give and give until the coffers are exhausted, the credit cards maxed out, the bank account depleted until there’s nothing left?

Then there are some mothers who are jealous and resentful of their daughters and treat them horribly. The first time that I heard of such a situation I was astonished, for I thought that all mothers loved, cherished and adored their daughters. That was always my experience, so when I witnessed it in my adult years and heard the horror stories I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

There are good parents, by whom many of us have been blessed and for whom we are thankful, but, unfortunately, there are some pathetic parents too who are like a curse to their children.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Alma Mock Yen is an icon in the media landscape of Jamaica and her body of work that has spanned over 70 years is unparalleled among her peers. At age 96 Alma has no intention of slowing down and is still contributing to media. Over all those decades she has been a media personality, broadcaster, performer, producer, teacher and trainer, working at major media houses and lecturing at The University of the West Indies, influencing thousands of people. This larger than life personality has no equal, and I am privileged and honoured to be producing a video documentary about her. It’s still in the early stages but it promises to be fascinating. Look out for it.