Dear Counsellor,

I am writing to seek your guidance regarding a matter that has been causing some tension in my marriage. Recently, I have become concerned about the closeness between my wife and her female friend of many years. While I fully support my wife having friendships outside of our marriage, I can’t help but feel uneasy about the intensity of their relationship. I sense that they share a deep emotional bond that has become physical, and may be affecting our marriage dynamics. I believe that discussing this issue with a professional could provide valuable insights and strategies for addressing my concerns in a healthy and constructive manner. I am eager to understand how to navigate this situation with sensitivity and respect for both my wife’s feelings and our marriage. I look forward to your guidance.

Okay, you’re assuming your wife is having a sexual relationship with her friend. And you want assistance in order to deal with this in a healthy and constructive way. Well, know that any fix for your marriage will require your wife’s equal participation. For any significant change to take place she’s going to have to want to make adjustments. And she has the option to say no to giving up the friendship. Bear that in mind.

It’s quite likely that someone else reading your letter can identify with your situation. They may also be questioning their spouse’s true sexual preference. I trust that my advice will be helpful for both you and any person facing a similar difficult situation. It’s correct to endeavour to find out the truth when you suspect your spouse is having a secret life. Sweeping things under the rug can be very hazardous to your health — whether it’s a wife or a husband being suspected of same-sex activity.

Note: Inquiries and investigation to ascertain the truth must be done prudently and with respect. Because you could be wrong. You could be wrong about the nature of your wife’s friendship. And a marriage can be ruined by accusations due to assumptions. Time and care must be taken to create your case with which to present your spouse, when you feel the evidence is now overwhelming, and the risks too high. Whether they acknowledge it or not, enough genuine evidence means it’s time to create your plan and path for a respectable exit.

Even if your spouse’s relationship with her friend is non-sexual, it should also be noted, an inappropriate relationship can still exist. Yes, you can still “cheat” on your spouse by being over-committed to someone else. If you are consistently giving someone else more (intimate) time and attention than your spouse, you are undermining your marriage.

My advice:

Stabilise yourself: Consider that this could be as you suspect and your wife may prefer to pursue that relationship — it’s her choice. However, if so, you will know that remaining in that is not a situation that will bring you lasting happiness. So, you’d now have gained clarity, and an opportunity to pursue true happiness, in a healthier context. Be ready for the possibility of change. And beware, don’t belittle or blame yourself for her choice.

Speak to her: Create a proper setting where you can have a heart-to-heart. Take her out for dinner or out of town for a weekend. Assure her of your love and commitment to your marriage. Then share exactly how you feel. Don’t accuse her. Share with her what you think the risks are to your marriage. Giver her the best opportunity to share openly and freely.

Determine a cut-off point: Decide what will be a cut off point and ultimatums. Decide what changes are imperative and when they’d need to be made. And make a plan in case there’s no change. Don’t second-guess your decisions.

I pray you’ll trust yourself and know that happiness is self-driven and self-made. Consider scheduling a session with counsellorscouch.com.

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Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.