The pleasing punishment

That women bear.

— Shakespeare, The Comedy of Errors

Most men love to please women, but we should ask the question, why? Why does a man take it unto himself to please a woman, sometimes one who he hardly knows?

The answer, my friends, is not blowing in the wind as Bob Dylan sang, the answer is that he wants to get to know her in the biblical sense. Yes, sex. No matter how you sugar-coat it, wrap it in fancy foil, whisper it in sweet dulcet tomes, a man pleases a woman because he wants something in return.

Ulterior motives it’s called, when someone does something, not for doing it sake, but because they want something in return.

“Why are you buying me all those things and I hardly know you?”

“No reason at all, baby, just because I like you.”

Yeah, right.

I guess there’s nothing wrong with pleasing a woman though, for it does give men some sort of pleasure to know that they’re making someone happy. Unfortunately, some men take it to the extreme and make damn fools of themselves as they go overboard when it comes to pleasing women.

Also, did you know that there are many things that a man should never do when trying to please a woman? Well, if you didn’t, you’ll find out exactly what they are, right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘No means no, maybe so’.

Hi Tony,

In the 21st century, to be safe and free from finding oneself in a criminal situation, men should declare their intentions towards women beforehand, such as, “I am going to kiss you passionately on the lips before undressing you, then I am going to caress you and lick you like a lollipop before entering your body. If you agree to all of this, please provide your consent by signing this prepared legal document, thank you.” The document should include a clause stating that once the process has begun, there is no turning back.

Atticus

Tony,

No should mean no, but some women don’t even know what it means, and if they really mean it when they say no. They give mixed signals and confuse men. When the man hears no but sees her body and lips being inviting, he doesn’t know if he should stop or go. Most men don’t stop and get into trouble, while others stop and leave feeling bewildered. It’s so confusing. Yes, no, maybe, don’t, stop, go, stay, don’t go. I give up.

Leroy

Women like to be pleased by men, they are like cats, love to be stroked and caressed, and men like to pander to their needs and please them as much as they can. Even the act of a simple compliment is pleasing to a woman and many men have mastered the art of complimenting women.

“My, your hair looks great, and your make-up is so really well done.”

“Wow, look at those fantastic shoes that you’re wearing.”

Oh yes, men pour it on and women lap it up like when puss drinking milk. But not all men like to give compliments, and it was Oscar Wilde who said, “I don’t like compliments and I don’t see why a man should think he is pleasing a woman enormously when he says to her a whole heap of things that he doesn’t really mean.”

That kinda sounds so mean-spirited and is like something Oscar the Grouch, Ebenezer Scrooge or the Grinch would say. But maybe he does have a point, for sometimes men just shower women with pleasant sounding words because they have ulterior motives.

Then, of course, there are men who simply do not know when to stop, and will go through hell and high water, climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest sea, just to please a woman, all because he loves her, or even worse, he wants her to love him.

Because of this, there are men who will do anything to please a woman, even abdicating the throne, as King George did back in the day. Imagine, giving up your royal peerage just to please a woman. As people would ask, “Is what she have suh?”

There is, however, a school of thought that there are some things that a man should never do to please a woman — never, ever. This was pointed out to me by my good bredrin who saw it in some research paper. I’ll share it, as it may spare some men from untold grief.

The first one says, ‘Never pay her school fee unless she is your wife.’

Now, this is a common occurrence that has caught many men who think that by paying the young girl’s school fees she is forever obligated to him. Usually the man is much older, and after she’s graduated from college she wants to have her own life with someone closer to her age.

So paying her school fees is no guarantee that she will love the man. We’ve seen it played out in the news here all the time, often with a deadly conclusion, for the man feels as if he’s being used, duped, conned, taken for a ride. Far from it, he did so of his own volition, and she has every right to move on if she so desires. But some men nah tek it suh, and hell and powderhouse pop.

Second, ‘Never try to please a woman by committing a crime or doing something terrible for her.’

You’d be surprised at how many men do this in the name of love. By trying so hard to keep up with her materialistic lifestyle he buys her expensive things that he can’t afford on his meagre income, and begs, borrows, or steals, just to please her. The begging and borrowing may get a pass, but the stealing is a crime, and that has serious consequences.

Usually it’s the so-called ‘white-collar’ criminals who do this — the fraudsters, swindlers, con artists, grafters. The irony is, after they are imprisoned the woman simply moves on, sometimes with the lawyer who was defending the man who is now in prison.

Number three says ‘A man should not compromise himself too much to please a woman.’

In other words, do not give up what you have, or do not do without, just to please her. Don’t bend backwards too much, don’t sacrifice your grocery money and starve just so that she can do her nails, lashes, weaves, extensions and buy fancy shoes.

By all means, share what you have, but don’t give her everything, depriving yourself, just to please her.

Number four, ‘Do not give up on your dreams and aspirations.’

Do not give up things that you like to do simply because you want to please her. If you like to play football in the evenings or on weekends and she doesn’t want you to do that, do not stop.

Suddenly, just because he wants to please her, he allows her to put a brakes on his lifestyle. After he stops doing those things he will be a resentful, bitter, miserable shell of a man for being deprived of what he used to love doing.

“Whap’n to Orville, no football this weekend?”

“No, he has to go grocery shopping with his new woman.”

Then what if she leaves him? He’ll then have to go crawling back to the things that he used to love before he met her.

At this point though, I must add that more women make sacrifices for men than the other way around, especially in the academic field, when women will put their education on hold just to please the man.

The fifth edict regarding what men should not do to please a woman is, ‘Do not distance yourself from your family just to please her.’

Sometimes a man meets a woman and is so smitten by her that he not only abandons his family, but disrespects them.

“Must you always be at your family’s beck and call, always catering to their needs?”

Don’t ever think about disrespecting your family, for after she moves on where does that leave you? Blood is thicker than what, her.

It’s instinctive for men to want to please women, for they know that the rewards will be sweet. But all can turn sour if the man goes overboard and pleases the woman for the wrong reason. It was Meatloaf who sang:

‘ I would do anything for love

I’d run right into hell and back

I would do anything for love,

But I won’t do that,

No I won’t do that.’

There are many things that men should do for women, but there are some things that he should never ever do.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Well, my birthday was November 5, so my wife says that I’m too modest and should share some of my history. Well, I celebrated 51 years in broadcasting, starting very young, as a TV producer, director, writer, winning two Press Association of Jamaica (PAJ) Awards plus others. I’ve celebrated over 27 years in journalism writing for the Jamaica Observer and also won a PAJ award for that, plus been interviewed frequently on TV and radio locally and by the BBC regarding my column, and been the subject of four books. I’ve served 51 years in the martial arts and was karate heavyweight champion three consecutive years plus taken winning teams to South Africa, Europe, Japan and other countries. I’ve done stunts for movies and rubbed shoulders with Denzel Washington, Anthony Hopkins, Idris Elba and others. Now you have an idea who I am, albeit briefly.