Stories of men killing their partners in cold blood have become too familiar to our ears and lips. As TEENS we are simply terrified by the desensitization and complete disregard for life that has taken over some of our nation’s men, including, ironically, officers of the law. The same men who are to be serving and protecting our nation are heartlessly taking the lives of our mothers, sisters, aunts and caregivers. Why?

Based on most of the stories that have dominated the media, it is clear that affairs of the heart are usually what drive hurt men to commit heinous crimes against their partners, and in some cases to turn the weapons to themselves. In many cases it’s just an affair.

But here in Jamaica, where there is a thriving ‘matey’ culture and ‘bun’ is a staple in almost every household, and most women will recall being cheated on at least once by a partner, infidelity should never be enough to bring men to kill their partners in cold blood. 

When the case of the Manchester businessman who killed his sweetheart came to the fore, many persons, including media practitioners who should know better, had choice words for women who engage in extramarital relationships with men for economic benefits. When Suianne Easy of Portmore was shot dead by her common-law husband, who served the JDF, women were warned not to date members of the security forces because they are are controlling. B

ut Nevia Sinclair from St. Elizabeth was killed in her sleep by her ex-boyfriend after she left him. She was not a matey and he was not an officer. She was not even with him anymore.

It’s about time we stop creating excuses and singling out women or men with specific characteristics as likely victims or perpetrators of violence, because the problem is not unique. This is a dire situation that must be examined thoroughly so to properly evaluate this infectious ideology that a woman must pay by death for her infidelity.

Firstly, it is about time that all men, whether JDF soldier, Pastor, businessmen or vendor, understand that you do not and cannot own a woman. I repeat, you do not own a woman! Whatever you have FREELY given to her, whether it be money or gifts, does not automatically make her your property. Neither does entering a relationship with her make her your property to do as you like. It is 2020 for crying out loud. Leave that possessive ownership mentality to the years when women’s rights did not exist.

And if it so happens that the relationship takes a sudden turn and she cheats, please leave her, let her be. Awaken your inner ‘gallis’ and get another girl if you so desire. Although you feel hurt and humiliated, you are not doing yourself or society a favour by killing her and then taking your life. Rather, you are leaving another family to mourn, and you are subconsciously fueling other like-minded men to follow in your footsteps.

Secondly, we need to stop telling ladies that they should have chosen better or left the abusive relationship before things got so ugly, because the late Nevia Sinclair would tell you that leaving the relationship does not guarantee your safety. Frankly, it is never easy to leave, and sometimes leaving or threatening to leave aggravates their possessiveness, because they believe they should be the only one to be with you.

The same way we tell women to walk away from abusive relationships is the same way we should tell men to walk away from relationships where they feel ‘pushed over the edge’.  And yes, men, it is okay to admit that you feel something. News flash, they’re called emotions and we (both men and women) must feel and face our emotions. For too long men have shied away from this discussion.

This is perhaps because our men are socialized in Jamaica largely by standards that perpetuate toxic hypermasculinity. Toxic hypermasculinity is the restrictive approach to male gender roles, stemming from a belief that masculinity is achieved by the suppression of emotions. In their quest to be viewed as the dominant sex, men have limited their expressions of emotions to mostly anger. Simply put ‘badman nuh cry’, but how far has this mentality gotten us? Men, it’s time to express your emotions healthily. If you are hurting, go see a therapist or speak to someone you trust.

To families also raising these young men, consciously demystify the belief that men don’t cry. Allow your boys to express themselves. It’s not effeminate, it’s natural.

Lastly, though lack of same does not warrant abuse or death, a healthy intimate relationship is often built on loyalty. If as a woman, you are no longer satisfied with your partner, simply move on, you nuh need fi ‘bun’ him. The same goes for men, you too if not satisfied can freely move on to someone else, you nuh need fi bun har. Now if your partner is cheating and you choose to endure it, that’s up to you, but if you can’t, please leave. The world is full delightful men and women. No two people were only made for each other.

Love her if you can, let go of her if you must, but never you blow out her light.

–AKEELIA RICHARDS