Separation of powers
Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine:
Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,
Whose weakness married to thy stronger state,
Makes me with thy strength to communicate.
— Shakespeare, The Comedy of Errors, II, 2
Usually when couples get together, by marriage, friendship, common law, shacking up, boyfriend and girlfriend, there’s a bond, just like the vine and the elm. But with this bond there has to be an adjustment made, or that vine can strangle the daylights out of that elm tree. Maybe the man was an independent, self-assured person while the woman was also the captain of her own life, used to calling her own shots.
Put the two together and there’s bound to be some sort of power struggle taking place. This may be subtle, unseen, for vines and trees grow slowly, but still it exists. Or then again it may never happen, for if the man is king of his castle, master of his domain and the woman accepts this from the get go, there will be no power struggle, as she accepts her role as the co-pilot.
When it gets interesting though, is when both parties want to be captain of the vessel, and we all know that’s a recipe for pilot error and the ship will flounder. Two bull cyaa rule inna one pen. So ideally there should be a separation of powers, with each person taking on specific responsibilities and duties, having clearly defined roles.
Well, that’s easier said than done but we’ll give it a whirl anyway, right after these truthful responses to ‘Truth or consequences’.
Hi Tony,
The woman on The Moment of Truth TV show was in a no-win situation with her husband, based on the questions. If she truthfully answered, she may have lost her husband and won the money. If she lied, the lie detector would have revealed so and the husband would have known, and she would have lost the money. Either answer would reveal her dastardly deed. But she was wise to tell the truth and only lose the husband.
Samuel
Tony,
I would never tell the truth if the consequences would jeopardise my relationship with my husband. Most relationships are based on lies anyway, and it’s only the gravity and severity of the truth that determines if the relationship works or not. Talk to every couple and you’ll learn that at least one party has some serious truths that they dare not divulge. It’s not so much what you don’t know won’t hurt you, but rather what you know that will mash you up.
Alecia
There’s this joke about these people who were in church and the parson said, “All the men who think their wives are controlling them, move to the right.” All the men moved except one man. When the parson asked, “How come you stood your ground?” He replied, “My wife says that I shouldn’t move, parson.” Thus endeth the lesson, or rather, starteth the lesson, for it’s a life lesson that many men learn too late.
Let’s go back to that quote, where it mentions the vine and the elm. Now, even though the elm is a big strong tree, representing the man in this instance, the vine slowly wraps its coils around the trunk, until it totally envelops the tree.
Is that the case of many relationships, where the woman appears to be frail, willowy, supple, flexible and harmless, until she wraps her coils around the man, taking full control of his very being? Is this akin to what a boa constrictor does? Well, not quite, for the vine doesn’t want to kill the tree, but live with it.
It should be some sort of symbiosis, with both parties working towards each other’s benefit, but ever so often a colossal power struggle evolves until one or both entities self-destruct. The vine strangles the tree, the tree dies, then the vine dies after.
So how do we avoid this catastrophe? The answer is in the separation of powers. This occurs in politics, in big business, in the military, and even in the church. So for a peaceful and productive life, employ the separation of powers.
If I remember my A’ Level economics, which I passed with distinction, it was Scottish economist Adam Smith who postulated the theory and practice of division of labour. To wit, it’s far more productive and efficient if different persons were assigned specific tasks, rather than each trying to do everything.
So one set makes tyres, the other set makes the chassis, some make the engine, and others put the whole assembly together. Voila, the vehicle emerges. That’s why car parts are manufactured in different countries then shipped to one central destination for final assembly.
This principle should also work in relationships, with both parties knowing their specific roles and therefore avoiding overlapping and crossing the boundaries leading to mayhem.
Now this may seem a tad chauvinistic, but I do declare that some roles are gender- specific, for example, housework and grocery shopping. Women just seem to be better suited for those roles, and in fact are much better at it than men, plus also enjoy them. A high point for many women is grocery shopping and as for house cleaning, it’s at the top of their to-do list. Show me a man who loves doing those things.
Some women do housework for therapy, as it takes their minds off many issues that may plague them. Others shop as an escape, and scientists have proven that shopping releases endorphins that provide pleasure to the brain.
Listen, housework is not easy and in fact is downright difficult, but so is childbearing, and women have the strength to deal with them both. The fact is women are more adept at it than men, and that’s why there are more female household helpers than men. Women have a knack, a skill, penchant for it that men simply do not posses.
I can see you fuming now, but the facts speak for themselves. I’m not saying that men can’t do housework, or even assist their women, but women are so much better at it, with some enjoying it so much that it often becomes an obsession.
“Why are you getting up in the middle of the night with the broom in your hand?”
“I just remembered that the kitchen needs sweeping out.”
Men are adept at other stuff, such as doing repairs around the house, taking out the garbage, making sure that the vehicle is maintained, and taking care of the bill payments.
I’m not saying that women can’t do that sort of thing but for efficiency, it’s best to separate those powers — for optimum productivity. Do your own survey and see who prefers to do what. As a man what’s your forte, doing housework or servicing the car? As a woman what’s your preference, changing the tyres on the car or doing housework?
Some men take it to the extreme and hand over everything to their women, letting them, in effect, control their lives. “Here Honey, take my pay cheque, pay all the bills, you run things.” I know too many men who have abdicated their powers lost their cojones, all because they allowed their women to do everything — from running the household to handling all the finances.
That’s not separation of powers that’s relinquishing power and leaving the man with no clout. When a man abdicates this power, all is lost, and he will never regain it. That’s why in many relationships the question is asked, “Is who wear the pants in that family?”
This can have serious implications, for with this unequal separation of powers the woman now calls all the shots, even in the bedroom. The man has no say, but just accepts sex on her terms. I have heard this from more men than you would imagine.
It works the other way too, for if the man wields all the power the woman will merely be a spectator in the relationship, having no say in anything. Some men like this, as they love to rule supreme, but it’s not healthy.
You may deem it chauvinistic but the fact remains, some roles are defined to be feminine and others masculine. How would it look if the woman worked on the plumbing and the husband did the housework?
Separation of powers is essential for optimum productivity. Women can’t be fathers and men cannot be mothers. They are gender-specific. So whether you are vine or you are elm, if you wish to survive and have a healthy relationship you’d better separate the powers and live in harmony.
More time.
seido1@hotmail.com
Footnote: Has anyone ever given a thought to those beggars, mendicants, street people who are more than often seen as a nuisance? Most people do consider them a nuisance and quickly drive away. But if we stopped to think, that $10, $20 or $100 that some folks give may be the difference between hunger and satisfaction. Of course, we can’t give them all and some are tricksters, so you have to be careful. I try to get to know them, ask them their name. Their faces light up when I address them by name. So many were lofty once, had normal lives — teachers, business people — but got dealt a hard blow by life. As the old saying goes, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” They are people too.