Reasons people divorce
Hasty marriage
Seldom proveth well.
— Shakespeare, 3 Henry, VI, IV, 1
Marry in haste, repent at leisure. That notion has been proven to be true time and time again, and has even been put to song: “Take time to know her, take time to know her.” Somehow others looking on can see the pitfalls that lie ahead, even as the couple involved is oblivious to them.
They are so consumed by passion, driven by lust and love, that they fail to see the practical side of marriage, the stark and harsh reality of the challenges that matrimony brings. Haste makes waste, and fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
But even if you wait, there is no guarantee that biding your time and getting to know your partner will assure a long and healthy marriage. Sometimes the script is flipped and the love at first sight marriage outlasts the get to know and wait matrimony.
There are no guarantees in this life, and sometimes you simply have to let the chips fall where they may. And guess what, the reasons why people part ways, get divorced, may surprise you. Some of them you may know, while others may make you wonder.
We’ll find out the reasons people part ways, right after these responses to my erudite purple prose, ‘Good henglish, bad patwa’.
Massa Tony,
Yeh man, yu lick de nail right pon de head. Mi talk patwa a yard, but at the workplace and social events, I evoke the Queen’s English. As you say, a time and place for everything. One of the things that really annoy me is the way most Americans pronounce their words. Las Vegas is pronounced LOS Vegas, and Los Angeles is pronounced LAS Angeles. As you said, no language is spoken properly, but I just love to hear the unofficial language of Jamaica spoken. But as dem say, too much callaloo make pepperpot bitta.
Breddah Joseph
Teerob,
You are so right. It’s amazing how many Jamaicans have this hatred for anything that’s ours, but embrace the chaff of other cultures. As they reach the airport they start to put on a ridiculous accent, usually American. Then they feel ashamed to hear our people speak. They are so ignorant that they aren’t aware that language is a growing, living entity and is unique to areas of the world. Why should we be ashamed of ours?
Roger
People get married all the time and usually it’s a good thing… usually. The bride and groom are wished good fortune, happiness, to bear fruit with many children, and generally to live happily ever after. Happily ever after, that’s a state that most try to achieve, but there’s many a slip between the cup and the lip, and many marriages end in divorce before the ink even dries on the marriage certificate.
There used to be the cliché reasons, such as infidelity, physical abuse, etc… especially if she ate Al, but I jest. Sometimes you have to take serious thing and make joke, they say. Well, I did some serious research, and one real reason why people get divorced is most unconventional — money. But not for the reason that you may think. In this case, the worries start even before the marriage begins. Some couples marry because everyone thinks that it’s the right thing to do. “Oh you make such a perfect couple, you look so good together, get married.”
So they feel pressured to do what friends and family are saying and plan this humungous wedding that costs almost as much as what’s in our country’s net international reserves. They pull out all the stops for that one day and spend far more than they have just to put on a splash that no one would forget. They will never forget it either, especially the bills that have to be paid before, during and after.
So after all that lavish spending and feeding the horde of people, reality has to be fed too, and the appetite is insatiable. They virtually never recover from that bash and start the marriage on a negative note — a financial and emotional deficit.
That’s when the bad feelings start to take root, and it’s downhill all the way after. Within a year or two they start thinking divorce, all because of the money that’s not there due to overspending on the wedding day. They spent so much money on the day that they had nothing left to start their new life with, and that’s a shame.
The research also cites the loss of identity as another reason for divorce. Sure, it’s good to do things together, but unless couples are conjoined twins, joined at the hip, they should not give up their identity and do everything together.
Both men and women are guilty of this as they want to transform their partner into something that they’re not, strip them of what they used to be and change them to what they think they should be. If he or she used to do things on their own, suddenly that must cease. “We are married now, so we must do everything together.”
That’s why it’s healthy for couples to have individual interests and even have a girls’ night out or a boys’ night out on a regular basis. But no, all of a sudden he has to give up his bike and buy a minivan, plus use her lotion and moisturiser on his hands and body.
“But honey, what about my regular soap?”
“No, no, this is better for you.”
“Stop listening to that kind of music. Come, enjoy my kinda music instead.”
“Don’t watch that violent TV show; come watch Lifetime or HGTV instead.”
This loss of individuality can be a serious problem that does not often rise to the fore immediately. It creeps up insidiously, building resentment until one party snaps and eventually files for divorce.
Difference in ambition is also a leading cause of divorce. One party wants to further education, seek a better job, move forward and upward on the ladder of success. Meanwhile, the other just can’t be bothered, and would prefer to remain stuck in a dead-end, low-level job.
“He has no ambition to even buy a house, but prefers to live in rent house all of his life.”
“All she wants to do is stay home and watch soap opera. I want a woman who can help me achieve something.” More reasons for divorce.
Sex ceases to exist. Oh yes, you know that had to appear on the list of why people get divorced. After the initial lust and heightened libido wear off, many married couples settle into a routine, or worse, no routine at all. It’s okay if there’s a routine, as at least something is going on in that department. But when the sex dries up, ceases to exist, becomes ancient history, that’s a big reason for divorce.
It’s more frequent than you think, and among young couples too. For some reason, the sexual interest wanes and then comes to a grinding halt. Well, a halt at least. Maybe he lost interest in her because she got too fat too early. Yes, it happens, and marriages have ended faster than you could say, “I only gained 50 pounds.”
Men are visual creatures, and when a young man marries his slim, shapely, sexy bride, lust plays a big part in the equation. Take that away and he’s turned off faster than a party that’s shut down by the cops. In contrast, I know of a woman who divorced her husband because he was too skinny.
So, it happens to women too, but for different reasons. Many women aren’t driven by sex and can even live without it, but will tolerate it to get and hold the man. After the wedding though, water seeks its own level and she reverts to her non-libidinous self. “Oh, I can do without it for months, doesn’t mean a thing to me.”
No physical affection is also destructive, and there are couples who don’t even touch each other or hold hands. They are as cold towards each other as estranged siblings and, naturally, either they exist in that distant dimension or get divorced. Some may seek affection elsewhere, even if it means getting a dog. It’s no surprise when they finally part, as they were already poles apart.
So as you can see, there are other reasons apart from the usual spouse-cheating, man-hitting, wife-cussing why people get divorced. And guess what, there are other seemingly innocuous reasons too, such as not washing a cup or dishes, but that’s for later.
More time.
seido1@hotmail.com
Footnote: I have been in discussions with some atheists, agnostics and non-believers who insist on mocking religion. I am no religious zealot and I have written columns that asked probing questions about God, His existence and motives. But I do not believe in mocking another man’s religion or faith. True, you can question it, ask for clarification and even debate it, but to outright mock and deride another person’s religion is disrespectful.
I have learnt that people will always want to push their religion down your throat, but refuse to hear about yours. That’s also wrong, but allow them their beliefs, as it’s all they have to cling to. But to mock them or their faith is so wrong. This view is not shared by many of my friends and colleagues who take great pleasure in mocking religion. I never knew that so many atheists existed in Jamaica.