It can work
Love looks not with the eyes
But with the mind;
And therefore is wing’d Cupid
Painted blind.
— Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream I, 1
LOVE is blind indeed, it has to be, for what some people put up with in the name of love defies logic, objectivity, reasoning and sanity. It also appears to be deaf and dumb, for many people who profess to be in love cork their ears to good advice and reasoning. “Leave me alone to me and my man. I love him and that’s that,” is whatsome women say when problems in their relationship are pointed out.
Yet love, or what they profess to call love, is indeed blind, with a tinge of insanity. I say profess to love, because many people think that they love, but what they really experience is an obsession for the person who they are involved with. As far as I am concerned, real love is not selfish and is also full of giving and sacrifice, plus the ability to release.
Not so with obsession, for in that person’s mind, no matter how the cruel facts are staring them in the face, they still believe that the relationship can work. “Okay, so him is a womaniser and have nuff babymother… it can still work,” or “So him slap me up now and then, a nuh nutten… it can still work.”
So often we have heard people, mostly women, say those words when faced with the harsh reality of a terrible relationship. In spite of all the obvious pitfalls and tragic history, they still cling to a slim thread of hope and believe that it can work.
We’ll find out why, right after what these folks had to say about ‘Men’s secret fears’.
Hi Tony,
The secret fear of a sexual nature brings to mind certain rites of passage for adolescent males about 100 or so years ago. In certain cultures, adolescent men would be taken by an elder male, sometimes their father, to a professional woman who would help take the young man’s virginity while teaching him a few tricks of the trade. This rite of passage was intended to make a man of the young fellow, to give him certain experience and confidence when dealing with young women going forward. Those were the good old days.
Samuel
Teerob,
Men have many secret fears because so much is expected of them. The bar is set so high for them to perform that many tremble at the knees before they even start the approach. This is caused by a lot of underexposure and peer pressure that then lead to insecurity.
Every man thinks that his organ should be a foot long, and he must have the stamina of a marathon runner. When he looks at himself and sees that pretty woman before him, he thinks that she expects him to be that man. As a result, his fear factor kicks in.
Winsome
Tony,
Men have fears because they chat among each other and believe the lies that they all tell. They hear stories of mashing it up, Long Dong Silver, Mr All Nighter, and they believe them. So when they sit and realise that they cannot match up to those fantasies, they fret. Poor fools.
Sandra
What is interesting about the human condition is that many people do not like to see themselves for who they really are. They see themselves as near perfect, especially the narcissists, and when their true self is exposed, they lash out at who or what exposed them. They will be in a toxic relationship and complain bitterly in your ears, every day for months on end about it. Yet, if you dare to show them the error of their ways, or that they should consider ending the so-called romance because their partner means them no good, they end up cursing you, whipping the messenger. As far as they are concerned, it can still work, despite the numerous problems. That’s why I never tell people what to do when they lay their relationship problems on me. I listen, then suggest that they do what they think is best.
What I sometimes do though, is listen to a series of complaints from various people, then write about it in a general sense. Most of them think that their story is so unique, when in reality, they are just one of many similar tales that I hear every day.
Well, hear this now. A friend approached me with a litany of woes about her relationship with a married man, and begged and insisted that I write about it. She wanted her story told for the world to see and gave me all the details. Her tale was not unique, but merely another case of MMS or married man syndrome. I warned her that she wouldn’t like what she saw after I wrote it, as we often cannot stand to see ourselves exposed when we hold up a mirror. But still she insisted.
Well, lo and behold, when she saw the article she was so angry that she malice me and my family and hasn’t spoken to us since. Bear in mind that I wrote exactly what she told me, except that I changed certain details such as locations, dates, years and other stuff to protect the innocent or guilty. The irony is, strangers emailed to ask why I wrote about them and how did I know their story. Like I said, these stories are not unique.
In that lady’s mind, even though her relationship was so awful, according to her, it can still work, for she loves the married man… and he loves her. This is the belief of so many women who are trapped in relationships that are going nowhere. They cling to the hope that somehow the stakes are going to change and eventually they’ll live happily ever after.
Mistresses of married men are notorious for this, for in spite of the obvious impending train wreck, they still believe that it can work. And no one dares to tell them differently. Their usual response is, “You don’t understand, he and I are different, so it can work.”
But it goes even further, for even when faced with the obvious physical reasons, many women still insist that in spite of the beatings, it can work. I have lost count of the many instances when women used to cry on my shoulders about how dem man batter dem til dem black and blue. Naturally, in my youthful naïvete I used to tell them, “Leave him, you don’t deserve that sort of abuse.”
Well, that was when I rapidly learnt that cockroach don’t business in fowl fight, for she same one went home and told her man that Teerob told her to leave him.
As the years passed and I grew wiser, I only listened and then suggested that they take the path that suits them best. Even when I dared to suggest that perhaps the man didn’t really care, the response was the same… “No, no, no, he loves me deep down, but is me provoke him why him beat me… it can work.”
Often the problems exist during the relationship, but in others, you can see them approaching from miles away, like a runaway train hurtling towards a washed out bridge.
We can see that one partner is not suited for the other. We know that the girl used to be a stripper on back road but she’s just playing decent to catch the man. You try to tell him not to marry her, but he does not want to hear, curses you and goes ahead and marries her… for it can work.
Naturally, after a few months, she reverts to her old ways, for the call of the wild is strong, and all you can do is look on and sadly think, but not verbalise, “I told you so… it could not work.” Yes, it affects men too, for they often cannot see the reality of the thorns because of the beauty of the rose.
People will call me, text me, email me about horrible relationships and how they have endured the mental, physical and emotional torture for years. Yet in the end, after they have vented and I ask, “So what are you going to do?” Invariably the response is, “Well, I’ve known him for so long and he’s really good at heart… so it can work.”
Yes, my friends, they do not want to hear, for they believe that their obsessive desperation is true love. But that love needs eye surgery. It can’t be love, but desperation and low self-esteem, for if you truly love someone and yourself, you wouldn’t take that crap and say that it can work. More time.
seido1@hotmail.com
Footnote: I am simply amazed at the numerous reports there are of people who transport huge amounts of cash to the bank, on foot, and are held up and robbed. So you can imagine my utter amazement and disbelief when I saw in the news that the KSAC suffered the same fate when a bearer was robbed of millions while walking downtown to make a deposit.
The police appeal constantly that people should call them for assistance when large deposits are to be made, and it’s a free service too. Yet individuals and institutions continue to offer up these gifts of cash to robbers. I also wonder why someone would agree to walk with millions in cash to go to the bank. Now, who could get me to walk with millions on my person to go and make a deposit? I would tell you where to deposit it. Yet it happens and will continue to happen, for some people never learn.