He lost a wife

Whose dear perfection,

Hearts that scorn’d to serve,

Humbly call’d mistress.

Shakespeare, All’s Well That Ends Well, V, 3

Is it that one man’s wife is another man’s mistress? Whatever the case, he lost a wife, and she was perfect too, which is a real tragedy. But that’s the nature of the game, for that which people put too much hope in often lets them down. Perhaps we are better off with people or things that are not perfect, as the perfect ones offer no challenge, which invariably leads to boredom. It’s the imperfections, the faults, the uncertainty that keeps us on our toes, as we have no idea which way the ball is going to bounce or what she’s going to do next. And that’s why men, unlike women, do not seek a perfect mate, but rather someone who is ideal, someone who fits most of their criteria, but not all. It’s the flaw in the diamond that adds to its value, and a perfect diamond can’t be cut. Ideal women, that’s our topic this week, right after these letters in response to Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

Teerob,

This will anger all women, but I think that article about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is one example where women behave like children, and it is the role of the man to act like a strict parent and stand his ground. Just because a woman says she wants something, wants to get the answer for this and that, doesn’t mean that she has to. Women, like children, are emotionally driven in their actions and wants, and believe that whatever they want they should get. The man has to be the one to decide if these are in his best interest or the interest of the relationship. But like many parents, many men believe that their goal in life is to say yes to the woman/child, and if she gets angry, his whole world would come crumbling down. Stand your ground, know what you should accept and reject. That way you won’t end up getting married when you don’t want to, or have her cheat on you with a more ‘confident’ man… ironically.

Jason

Nice one Tony,

You gathered up the questions that we women want to know about, and then assured us that no man would ever tell us the truth. So how’s a woman ever gonna know what she’s getting into before she gets in too deep? Women everywhere await your response with bated breath.

Carol, London

Teerob,

You are my hero. These women bombard us with a barrage of questions, yet their lives are shrouded in mystery. Either they ‘never had a serious relationship before’ or ‘you are the next prospective husband’, making you feel like there’s a bulls-eye painted on your back. They want to know too much too soon, but you can’t know anything about them…until it’s too late. Let them ask all they want, but tell them what they want to hear.

Ricardo

With all this debate raging about women’s lists and men’s wants and who likes what in a partner, I had to do a serious enquiry and ask men exactly what the deal is. The consensus was that they didn’t want any beauty queen, as the maintenance is too high, nor do they want anyone too bright, or Miss Goody Two Shoes Perfect Woman, for one day she may just “bruck out”. What they want is someone who is ideal to suit them, someone pretty much like the last bowl of porridge in the Goldie Locks and the Three Bears story…not too hot…not too cold…but just right. She’s the type of woman that no man would ever abuse, no man would ever have any reason to beat. I say that because I unearthed some startling research regarding the Etiquette of Beating. Yes, believe it or not, there is an etiquette involved regarding the beating of wives. Now this is an age-old practice and I am by no means condoning it, for it’s despicable, disgusting and heinous. But it does happen. And whereas the Western religions frown on it, that frowning has done very little to deter it. I did some research that revealed that an Eastern religion actually has an etiquette, rules and regulations regarding the beating of wives. I shall not name that religion, for I’d really hate it if a curse were to be cast on me, my family or my country, but I was fascinated by what I saw. It basically said: “Would you believe that the modern European woman looks for a man to be her guardian? Figures show that 90 per cent of women don’t want a weak man who sits and cries at the first problem. They say, “That man is weak and acts like a woman.” They want a strong man. Wife beating is a serious accusation against that religion that condones and in fact encourages it. But they respond that God honours wives by initiating the punishment of beating. But there is an etiquette. Do not beat in the face, do not make her ugly. Even with beating he must not curse her, for it’s an act of discipline. There should be no more than 10 beatings and no bones should be broken, no teeth broken or eyes poked. The hand should not be raised high, but only at chest level. See how she is honoured? She needs discipline. Beating, however, should only be administered for one reason only…if she does not share his bed. At first he should admonish her, but if she is not repentant…then he should beat her. It should not be hard, and with a short rod and no marks should be left, and not in the face or head, but body only. These beatings should not come one after the other and should be administered only if she refuses to sleep with him. It is a last resort.

Well, all those Western wives who believe in withholding sex from their husbands should take note of what some wives in some religions have to go through. Those wives are far from being ideal as far as their husbands are concerned, for the ideal woman should be generous with sex. At least that’s what most men say. It’s not the only thing, but it’s important and it’s so unfair and also unfortunate to be with the man, take vows before parson and witness to love, honour and obey, then deny the man sex for whatever reason. And Lord knows, there are thousands of reasons. As the above research states: Where is the man supposed to go? For adultery is a serious crime in those cultures, punishable by even death. It’s also a crime in this part of the world too. Now men are not crazy, at least most aren’t, and they certainly don’t expect the woman to have sex with them every time he wants it, but a reasonable generous serving will keep him happy. But woman have the ability to do without it forever, they know this, and they use it. I read where this woman, writing to one of our advice columns, expressed her concerns about being involved with a new man after being divorced 23 years now. She has not had sex since her divorce. That’s right, it’s been 26 years since she had sex, and for all intents and purposes her life seemed as normal as could be. I know women who have gone 10 years between men and didn’t even bat an eyelash. How can a man compete with that? That’s why that religion advocates levelling the playing field and administering the laying on of hands.

The ideal woman should be attentive to a man’s needs. That doesn’t mean that she should be subservient and kowtow like a lady in waiting, but see to his basic needs, or at least act as if she cares. Men are fragile, in spite of their machismo, and a simple tender show of interest can go a far way in making him feel like he’s appreciated. “So, Honey, how was your day today, the boss still rubbing you the wrong way? Come let me rub you the right way.” Sometimes that’s all a man needs after a hard day, instead of, “I had a hard day too, I have to come home and do housework, I am tired too.” That is not the ideal woman. Neglect ranks second in the complaint from men about their wives…right behind not enough sex.

The ideal woman must be able to cook. The old wives were right when they said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It’s most embarrassing for a man to have a wife who can’t even boil water. It doesn’t mean that she has to cook every day, she doesn’t even have to cook for the entire year, but even a meal at Christmas is appreciated, just so he can boast to his friends and say, “My wife can cook like crazy…if you taste her food you’ll feel like you’re in heaven,” instead of using KFC, Wendy’s, Island Grill, Mother’s, Tastee and Juici Patties as his reference for a great family meal.

Knowing how to dance is also ideal in a woman. It doesn’t mean that they have to live at nightclubs and go out dancing every weekend, but an occasional twirl, tripping the light fantastic, gives a fantastic feeling to a man. Dancing shows togetherness, unison and bonding. Imagine telling your friends that your wife can’t dance? “Say what, she have two left foot?”

Dressing well is also ideal in a woman, and not the garish, over-the-top, too revealing, showing too much belly either, but more of the elegant, stylish, yet sensual ensemble that can make him proud to walk into any function with her. Yes, men do love eye candy, and the trophy aspect of being a wife is no myth.

The ideal woman should not put down or berate her man, for apart from being disrespectful, it will crush his ego and self-esteem. As you can see, it’s not too much to ask to be the ideal woman. It’s not perfection, but merely a few qualities to keep the man happy. Hey, I got this research from men I polled, so don’t whip me too much. And in all fairness, what would you think of a woman who deprives her man of sex, can’t cook, can’t dance, can’t dress, always tired and loves to curse men? More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: What a thing with all this rain we’ve been having which has exposed our weak infrastructure and questionable building practices regarding our roads and gullies. Water is destructive, but heavy rains fall in other countries too, and the damage isn’t as great. Plus people continue to build large two and three-storey houses on gully sides, using the gully wall as a base for their foundation. It’s clear that they want beachfront property. It seems as if the need for ‘beachfront property’ is greater than their common sense. Some also erect buildings smack dab in the middle of dry riverbeds. Oh, we Jamaicans…precious!