If we offend, it is with our good will.

That you should think,

we come not to offend,

But with good will,

to show our simple skill,

That is the true beginning of our end.

— Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream V, I

THAT indeed is the beginning of the end, when so many people try to display their skill as an ace cross-examiner, a great prosecutor, a fantastic interviewer, as they grill and cross-examine their prospective spouse, partner, or better-half-to-be. The fact is, that’s the worst method that anyone can use to start a relationship, by grilling the person like he’s being interrogated by a team of detectives after a crime was committed.

And yet, that’s what many women take great pride in, as they boast of their skills in asking questions of any man they meet, saying, “I have to know who I am dealing with, so I will ask all the questions that I want.” But is that the right approach if you’re looking for a man to share your life with? We’ll find out right after these letters regarding Manhunters.

Well Tony,

Not too far removed from your recent words on Desperate Women, now we’re Manhunters, not stopping till we get what we want, so what’s new? Women have always held the power from the first date right through to saying ‘I do.’ We just LET you men feel like you’re in charge as it seems to keep you all happy. We know what we want, and yes, we go and get it, but usually by more subtle means than the ones described in your article.

Deena, Dover

UK

Hello Tony,

I guess I’m a manhunter, as I met my husband through an ad I put in the newspaper when I was living overseas. I was looking for someone, and got lots of responses, met a few, interviewed them…most were ‘ok’ but not what I was looking for. Then my future husband called, we met for coffee and for me it was love at first sight…tall…fit (not now) with the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. We dated for six months, then moved in together. After living together for two years, we were out having dinner when I told him that I would like him to marry me…because we both are in love with each other and neither of us was going anywhere…he said yes…we’ve been together for 19 years now. You see Tony, sometimes a woman has to take the bull by the horns, so to speak…and be the assertive one in the relationship and put the question to our mate. Women have been liberated, we are not of our parents’ generation.

Rebecca

Teerob,

Manhunter? Where are the men to hunt? I see none worthy to be tagged and bagged. All I see are a bunch of little boys who don’t know what they want. Any man worthy of being hunted should be a hunter and a lion, not a rabbit. I will stay alone until a hunter bags me.

Melissa

There’s a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy in the US military forces that’s meant to protect gays, but I really think it should be expanded to protect everybody in the general society, especially men. Some women have told me point blank that they know exactly what they want from a man, and in effect it involves long-term goals.

I will always remember this girl from my distant past who, after dating for less than three weeks, told me, “Listen, I don’t want any affair, but a relationship with a ring at the end of it.” That is the goal of many women, and nothing is wrong with it, as they seek some form of security…real or imagined.

But what many of them don’t know is that there are many ways to skin a feline, and if the little pussycat would just keep still and not squirm so much and be agitated, then the process would be painless. Ah, the wonders of English.

Instead, what they do is dive in headlong, declaring, “I’m a woman who knows what she wants, so I have to put my cards on the table and ask the man just what his intentions are.”

“Well hello, lady, make a little time pass before you start the inquisition nuh?” But nooo, as soon as they meet the man, it’s question time, with more questions asked than in the finals of Schools’ Challenge Quiz.

First question asked on the first dinner date: “So what are your short-term plans?” Talk about putting the poor guy under pressure and on the spot. If he’s honest and doesn’t care too much, he’ll simply reply, “Well my short-term plans are to feed you, ply you with liquor and get you into bed as quickly as possible.” Of course, most men wouldn’t say that, even as they think it, but the very fact that the woman has the chutzpah to ask that question sets off alarms, whistles and bells in his brain.

No man, upon meeting a woman for the first time, has any thoughts of short-term goals. All that he wants to do is get through that first date without spending too much money and hope that she will let off on the next or even the third date. But a woman’s mind does not operate like that, and she would be best advised to adopt the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy.

But here’s the killer now, when she asks the man, “What are your long-term goals?”

“Well excuse me, madam, are you the director of public prosecutions, are you the quizmaster on Jeopardy? How dare you ask me about long-term goals with you when I only just met you.”

But many women think this way, and see men not merely as friends or companions, but as potential husbands. So if his long-term goal does not include making her a Mrs, then she’ll be missing after that first date. It happens.

But some women are more subtle, and beat around the bush, as they ask the man, “What are your views on relationships?” Any man worth his salt is going to give her the answer that he thinks she wants to hear. “Oh, relationships are great, and I do believe in the stability of relationships, and I love relationships, give me a relationship any day…”

No way is he going to tell her that relationships suck, and that all he wants is a one-night stand, or at best a short-term fling. But still, women ask, and men won’t tell…the exact truth. A woman with questionable self-esteem and perhaps a tinge of narcissism will ask the poor, hapless sap sitting before her on that first date, “So what do you think about me?” Oh good grief, lady I just met you, we just had a nice dinner and now you’re asking me what I think about you? Better you ask me what I think about the oxtail and rice and peas that I just had. That’s what he thinks, of course, but dares not say.

But many women need to know up front what the man thinks about them before they take one step further. Clearly the man’s actions should more than tell what he thinks about her. If he’s attentive when she speaks, polite and complimentary, then it’s obvious that he thinks she’s a worthy companion. But if he doesn’t, she should be sensitive and pick it up. It’s also a silly question, for no man is going to tell a woman after a few dates anything negative about herself, so don’t bother to ask, it’ll only turn him off.

But the absolutely worst mother of all downright questions to chase the man away after a few dates is: “How do you feel about me?” Well, put me in the docks, shine the light in my face, twist my ears, stick hot bamboo slivers under my fingernails and ask me again, “How do you feel about me?” Lady, I just met you, I don’t know you, I know that you’re attractive, dress nicely, hair well put together and sexy. So the most that I can say at this point in time to answer your question about how I feel about you is…horny.

What does she expect to hear after a few dates, “Baby, I love you, I adore you, you’re what I’ve been waiting for all my life?!” Well okay, that might happen in rare cases, but even if the man feels that way, why pressure him to say it? How come men never ask that question? Most guys think, “Heck, the mere fact that she slept with me is enough to convince me that she has feelings for me. And if she doesn’t, and is faking it, who cares? I’m still having a good time.” So why ask?

But women want to know the answer to these and other questions. They need to know, they have to know, they mus’ and bound haffi know or dem gwine dead and their world will come crashing down. Then after all that, after a few dates, they will ask, “Do you love me?” Yeah, right.

So many books and advice experts recommend asking these questions early and up front, to save the grief of wasting time with some men. Unfortunately Jamaican men get skittish with early cross-examination, and would prefer the “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy. Our grandparents had it right when they said, “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.” So it really isn’t anything new, just a fancy name, that’s all.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: It’s the little things in life that count, including crime. For years people have been saying that they’d be willing to make sacrifices to stem crime. Yet when steps are implemented, some sing a different tune. Those windshield wiper boys were a nuisance and often dangerous, especially to female drivers. So measures were taken to remove them from the streets. Lo and behold, some people are now rising to their defence and cursing the authorities for removing them and how their rights are being infringed upon and dem nah tief so what them must do and blah blah blah. Many countries have cracked the crime problem by starting with the small crimes first. Littering, graffiti painting, illegal vending, and squatting are all so-called small crimes, but allow them to flourish and see what happens.