They can be meek

They have no other cause…

So thou, that hast no unkind mate to grieve thee,

With urging helpless patience would relieve me.

— Shakespeare, The Comedy of Errors II, 1

THOU that hast no unkind mate to grieve thee. That is the weight and burden that so many people have to bear, an unkind mate that causes them grief. No wonder so many people, especially women, opt not to have a mate at all, preferring the peace and tranquility of solitude over the crosses and problems that being in a relationship can bring.

As the woman who was emotionally battered by a series of insensitive men told me once, “Better to be alone than be badly accompanied.” Still, we were not meant to be alone, so taking a mate goes with the territory. But that union can be so problematic at times, and even though marriage should be a union of joy, almost everyone involved says, “You have to work at it to make it succeed.”

Work at it, those three little words seem to be the common utterances of those involved in marital bliss… or discord. Oh, how I long for the day when someone tells me, “Marriage is fantastic, so much fun”, instead of putting work in the equation. So, that shall be examined right after some more feedback to this locking of shop by women… that often accompanies marriage.

Mr Robinson,

I am a fairly young woman, 27 years old, who enjoys your writing. I have been accused by other women, especially older women, who believe I might die poor because of my belief in treating a man like a man, being independent, and wanting him to save his, and I save mine. I don’t believe in the phrase, ‘What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine.’ I believe in sharing equally. I hardly lock shop, I have never been taken care of by a man and I split the bills equally. No, Mr Rob, I’m quite attractive, I am not fat, and I earn over $100,000 per month as I prepare to do my Master’s. I am NOT desperate.

Reece

Teerob,

I get what you are saying, and I know from experience that there are some spiteful women out there. But come on, you know that many men are not pulling their weight. They said that they have done nothing, but maybe that is the problem. Do you think that it’s possible that some of them are not reporting the situation completely accurately to you? This man is not getting any sex for two years just because his wife is wicked? It takes two, Mr Robinson. I know it seems unfair that just because a woman is in a bad mood or dissatisfied, she doesn’t want to have sex, but that’s just the reality, just like how men are more driven by their sexual desire, and many of them shop elsewhere, even when their regular shop is open. I suppose to you, anything I say will seem like an excuse for women, but that doesn’t change the fact that in many of these cases, there are underlying problems.

Until addressed at the root, men and women will remain on opposite sides of the fence.

Novena

Even though there is this fence, this great divide, this gulf between man and woman, people still take the plunge, and try to work at it to make it succeed. It was really on the Internet where I saw this study about working to make marriage stable. For all intents and purposes, it doesn’t seem to come naturally, so a lot of effort has to be put into it to make it seem natural.

Internet or not, old-time wives have been saying the same thing for years. I suppose it’s like making movies, where so much effort and work are put into a single scene, so many lighting fixtures, sound equipment, different camera angles, layers of make-up, numerous takes, all to make it seem ‘natural’. So marriage can be equated to a movie, where so much work has to be done, to make it appear naturally happy.

The research said that we should work at not exaggerating the negatives. Now we all come with positives and negatives, but somehow after that knot is tied, the negatives start to take centre stage. People don’t really change, and those bad habits that hubby now displays did not crop up overnight. He always left the toilet seat up, he always left the toothpaste tube open, he always left his underwear on the floor.

All negative features that now cause great irritation to the wife who never ceases to make an issue of it, and constantly, incessantly, repeatedly makes a point of his misdeeds. Does the word nag spring to mind?

She in turn also has bad habits and displays negative traits, but if he focused more on her positives and if she focused more on his positives, then the bad will not outweigh the good. Yes ladies, men do have positives too. That’s why older married women have told me, “Of course he has his bad ways, but that’s the way he was when I met him, and when I compare him to all the horror stories that I hear, he seems to be an angel.” That’s called working at it.

Some married people often have a penchant to withdraw emotionally, and that’s destructive. Sure, they are still physically present, cordial to each other and put forth the façade of being happily married, but it’s nothing but an illusion. Either the wife has withdrawn emotionally, which is quite common, cutting off the man from all emotional aspects of her life, including romance and sex, or he just comes and goes in the house, barely uttering any words, appearing and disappearing like a ship sailing in and out of a thick fog.

They talk but don’t listen, touch but don’t feel, look but don’t see. Maybe it would be better if they physically left, parted ways completely, made a clean break, rather than stay under the same roof and withdraw emotionally from each other. If couples can recognise this, and work at it, then the union will have a chance of survival. So many marriages are like this, with so much emotional friction, like living in the Ice Age with neither party relating to each other.

Here’s a big one now… have fun together. Sadly, it seems that the word fun disappears as soon as people get married. Oh, before the vows were exchanged, they would do all sorts of fun activities like going to the beach, attend plays, go to the movies, dancing, or even just take a drive to the country. Where in the wedding vows did it say, “No more fun until death do you part?”

Now that they are married those fun activities are but distant memories, replaced by a bag of excuses why they can’t be done. Why should people have to work at it instead of having fun at it? Why should the fun component be taken out of marriage? Examine your situation: when last have you done anything fun with your spouse?

“Fun… I just don’t have the time, too much work, too many meetings, the kids need looking after, no money, she’s always tired, he’s never home…fun is for young people.” The excuses come quickly as the marriage deteriorates… but the men will have fun with their mistresses though, since the wife stopped having fun with him. It’s not uncommon.

Bear in mind that he’s not going to change no matter how you wish and hope. For some reason, women are always trying to change men, turning them into what they’re not. It’s an exercise in futility, and even if he does try to change to suit her, it won’t last, and he’ll resent her for trying to mould him into what he’s not… the perfect man.

So work at not trying to alter his ways and allow him to be himself. No wonder that marriages of yesteryear lasted longer, as the wives would “See and blind and hear and deaf”, and allow the man to be himself. In most cases, when a man changes after marriage it’s for the worse, as he becomes subdued, loses his spirit and ends up broken and henpecked.

Allow him to be the vibrant man that you were attracted to in the first place, even with his imperfections. The same applies to space, which some people simply do not believe in. Somehow they take the words, “Cleave unto me”, very seriously, and do not allow their partner room to breathe. If you don’t allow space, then space will be created, and you will see less and less of each other without even knowing. It will be attributed to ‘work commitments’.

“Where were you on this big, big Saturday night?”

“Oh, I was at a meeting, plus I had to get some stuff for the office.” Yeah, right.

Another important factor at making it work is sex, and I needn’t explore that in depth. The more sex that couples have is the closer they will get, and the less chance of outside distractions. Take that away, and you allow the possibility of a third party providing the service. It’s no guarantee, but it does make a difference.

So there you go, some simple guidelines to make your relationship succeed. Maybe if more people took the ‘work’ out of marriage and replaced it with tolerance and fun, more would last longer. More time.

sido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: I had the privilege of working with some schools for a video documentary on the impact of the environment on children, and I must say how impressed I was with the students and teachers of the schools that I visited. The manners, discipline and decorum displayed by the students at George Headley Primary, St George’s Girls’ Primary and Infant School, and Seaview Gardens Primary are a tribute to the principals and teachers. In this world of ill-bred children who cause so much heartbreak, it was a joy to be exposed to these schools that still uphold the old-fashioned values. De pickney dem have manners cyan dun. I can’t stop singing the praises of these schools… and the parents that I saw also. There is hope for us yet.