What sport shall we devise,

Here in this garden

To drive away

The heavy thought of care?

— Shakespeare, Richard 11, III, 4

AND I say, let that sport be golf, for golfers get to play with their balls, plus they have long, hard clubs, some of iron, others of wood. Tiger has wood, and we all wish that we had Tiger’s wood, for it is the best of them all. As usual, ladies are attracted to power, and a tiger is a most powerful beast, as is his cousin, the lion, of which Shakespeare said in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, “A lion among ladies is a most dreadful thing.”

But it’s proving to be quite a nightmare for poor Tiger. Did I say poor? I think not, as the man is worth billions, and that’s why he’s the coolest cat in town. Hey, no wonder tiger bone is a well-known aphrodisiac, for the power of the great cat is the power that women seek. But first, some feedback regarding why people do not read anymore.

Hello Mr Robinson,

I was reading an article that you wrote and I totally agree with your footnote regarding why people do not read anymore. You see, sir, I own a comic book store and I am amazed that people don’t read an awful lot as they used to. I don’t even watch TV, and my main source of information I receive from the Internet and BBC. It’s a crying shame that reading a book or any form of reading is considered bad, stupid, and a waste of time here in Jamaica. Some of my friends say that I should get out of the comic book business, but I will not listen to them. I won’t lose my faith.

Robert

Imagine that, and I grew up on comic books, from which I learnt a great deal, and now that poor guy has a hard time selling them. What a shame. But one person who people are reading about in all media is the great golfer Tiger, who seems to have got himself into a spot of bother in the rough. I will hasten to say that his problems are what most men would love to have, even for a week.

Oh, to be the number one golfer in the world, married to a beautiful Swedish model, rich beyond your wildest dreams; you live in the lap of luxury, and spend your days touring the world playing with your balls and clubs on beautifully manicured lawns. You are adored by millions, people love you, women love you. What a life!

Who wouldn’t want to be Tiger, to own his nine iron and his wood? Tiger’s wood is in demand, and every man on earth can sympathise with him. People are saying, “How can a man with a gorgeous wife still go and stray with other women?” But all cats stray. Just look around you, or even look at yourself, and count how many men you know who have beautiful women, yet still have flings with others who are not so fancy.

Household helpers and neighbours’ daughters are fair game. Kobe Byrant was accused of sleeping with a hotel maid and had to fork over a $4-million ring to his wife as a make up present. Actor Hugh Grant was arrested after he was caught in the act with a hooker in his car, even though he was involved with one of the world’s most beautiful women, Liz Hurley. All these cases are documented, and there are countless others.

I have been researching this Tiger story, and this writer by the name of Eugene Robinson (no relation as far as I know) from the Washington Post said, “I’m beginning to fear, actually, that the unfolding may never end. If you’re the richest, most famous athlete on the planet, and you have an eye for cocktail waitresses and nightclub hostesses, the opportunities to cheat are probably limited only by the hours in the day.”

See, same thing that I was saying, and I’ll guarantee that every man jack on earth who loves women would do what Tiger did. Those who say no are only lying to themselves or ‘fraid like puss. And puss is no tiger. I can’t see what the fuss is all about, and this is a topic that I’ve explored many times before. Great men are great in all areas of their lives, and that includes the sexual part as well.

Just look at history, at the world’s powerful men, the conquerors of lands, the kings, emperors, generals, prime ministers, captains and even dons, and you see what they have in common, a strong sexual appetite, and with it, lots of women to satisfy this hunger. What’s the point of being a sultan if you can’t have a harem?

Another writer, Okorie Johnson, and academic from Atlanta, asks the same questions, “Why? Why with so much good in his life, a beautiful model wife, two healthy children, a legendary career, all the money and privilege one can imagine, would he risk it all?” Okorie gives some theories:

(1) He’s addicted to sex

(2) Men of power are like conquerors

(3) He’s unhappy at home

(4) Because he can.

It’s alleged that Tiger’s wood was playing 10 holes at one time, even though a full golf course is 18 holes, so mathematically, he’s still eight holes short. Personally I don’t think that it’s a sex addiction. If that was the case, most Jamaican men are addicted to sex then, for ‘gyal inna bungle and trailer load a gal’ originated right here and is alive and well, whether you want to believe it or not.

The second theory about men of power I agree with, and I’ve stated so, and the third about being unhappy at home is also a possibility. I know many men, married to seemingly great women, who are unhappy at home because these women are so into themselves, their work, or their children, that they don’t even see to the man’s needs anymore. Heck, some don’t even see the man at all. So these men have dalliances on the side, while others just suffer in silence and take what they get. Ah, the mass of men live lives of quiet desperation, it has been said.

The fourth point I totally agree with — ‘because he can’. If you had the money, the resources, the time and the opportunity, you too would bed as many women as you could. “Honey, I’m off in the private jet to Paris for two days then Madrid for three more, then Zurich for a week.” Not one word about the nights. Don’t tell me that in all those trips you would remain celibate. Yeah right, you say so now because your woman is looking over your shoulder, but deep down we all know that every man envies the great cat, the tiger, and would love to play with Tiger’s clubs, his stiff iron, his firm putter, his thick wood.

The fourth point I totally agree with — ‘because he can’. If you had the money, the resources, the time and the opportunity, you too would bed as many women as you could. “Honey, I’m off in the private jet to Paris for two days then Madrid for three more, then Zurich for a week.” Not one word about the nights. Don’t tell me that in all those trips you would remain celibate. Yeah right, you say so now because your woman is looking over your shoulder, but deep down we all know that every man envies the great cat, the tiger, and would love to play with Tiger’s clubs, his stiff iron, his firm putter, his thick wood.

Writer Okorie Johnson also asks the question, “So what is a great man to do, come home and be humbled by his inadequacy for negotiating the real life of marriage and family? Come home and check his greatness at the door?” Attila the Hun, Ghengis Khan, King David, all those great men were great outside and inside the house. There is no alter ego, but there is a huge ego.”

Like I said, great men are great in all areas of their lives, and women who hook up with powerful men must realise that they cannot tame a tiger; you cannot corral a stallion and turn him into a cart-pulling jackass. It is not in his nature. But women still expect to tame these beasts. It’s not going to happen.

Yet another writer, Kate Harding from Chicago, gives tips in her blog: “Is your man pulling a Tiger on you?” She suggests ways to use technology to catch your tiger in his tracks. Hey, it may work, it may not, but why go through all that trouble? Let the tiger run free. What is true is that even though people may look in awe at Tiger’s exploits and even frown at his actions, I am not surprised. Tiger has a bag full of clubs, and every club is designed for a different hole, but the best by far is Tiger’s wood. As for me, I’m taking up golf. It would be lovely to get a hole in one.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: What’s in a name? In this season, people receive gifts, packages and money from all over. Yet some institutions are so stiff and bureaucratic that they continue to frustrate clients. Everyone knows me as Tony, even though my given name is Anthony. Yet when I receive stuff from overseas that has Tony Robinson on it, some clerks still give me a hassle, even though I furnish several IDs with Tony on it. Once I even showed them a page with my column which has my photograph to prove that I’m the same person, but to no avail. Is there no common sense? Even international immigration forms have a line that says, “State any other names that you’re called.” But I must commend our postal service for being efficient. I mailed stuff all over the world, to the USA, Dominican Republic and elsewhere, and they all arrived in good time. Big up to the post office. Enjoy your holidays, folks.