IT is not uncommon for some people to treat those with whom they are accustomed in a less than deserving manner.

It is manifested when, for example, members of a household are made to use and reuse plastic utensils while visitors are given glassware, crockery, and stainless steel – not because the household members are accident-prone, but because they are familiar.

Many people treat themselves in this inferior way. They sit, stick, and sweat on a sofa with the plastic encasement intact while the comfortable cotton upholstery awaits their buttocks just beneath; they slip and cut their fingers on archaic metal graters while a blender stares through their glass-front cabinet; and they continue to wash the most abrasive fabrics with their hands while a heavy-duty washing machine sits idle in a corner.

It is not a stretch for these people to reach beyond their own household and themselves to treat other people they regard as being on their level or beneath them in a similar manner. One quotation captures the situation well: “He that undervalues himself will undervalue others, and he that undervalues others will oppress them”.

This reminds me of a concerned parent who recently called a radio talk show to complain that her child’s school puts students around the computers whenever they have visitors, but does not let them use the computers otherwise. While the talk show host expressed disbelief at the report, I had no doubt the child had relayed the truth to the parent.

It is important to understand that if someone who believes he is not good enough is allowed a constant or significant role in a child’s life, he puts that child at risk of developing an inferiority complex. In the words of an Italian proverb: “The person who lives with cripples will soon learn to limp”.

A child doesn’t need to be told he is not good enough; he gets a better lesson whenever he is treated in that way. He learns he is not good enough when he continues to use a frayed towel while new ones sit in a closet waiting for guests. He learns he is not good enough when he continues to sleep on a pillow gone lumpy from years of use, while new pillows are stored for visitors; and he learns he is not good enough when the only time the house gets a good cleaning is when other people are coming over.

The Mayo Clinic says, “Relationships with those close to you – parents, siblings, peers, teachers and other important adults – are especially powerful. Many beliefs you hold about yourself today reflect messages you’ve received from such people over time.”

More often than not, it is people with whom you are familiar who treat you as though you are less than special. It is sometimes not deliberately done. In fact, some things done in jest are often the things that have a lasting damaging effect. They include jokes about performance, a shortcoming, a name, a physical feature or a disability.

With exposure, acceptance, and positive reinforcement elsewhere, some children become confident adults in spite of the negative environment they once knew. However, many adults never get over the way they were treated as children. Even sadder is the fact that many see their inferior nurture as normal and go on to give their own children a “normal” upbringing. So the contempt is perpetuated, if only unintentionally.

Note that the student’s complaint to her mother about her lack of access to a computer is an indication that the child saw something wrong in her being deprived of the equipment. It is a sign she has a higher opinion of herself than her teacher has of her. That her mother was concerned enough to air the grievance publicly, points to a source of the child’s higher self-esteem.

Viv Turnbull is an image and communications consultant. She may be contacted at vivturnbull@yahoo.com.