Dr. Gillian Royes

Dear Dr Royes:

My girlfriend and I are supposed to get married later this year. We have been seeing each other for four years, and now that we both have good jobs we are ready to take the plunge. She has started planning the wedding, and we have made plans for our life together. However, I have recently started to have these dreams about my former girlfriend, who was the love of my life. She now lives abroad, and I haven't seen her for many years. Does this mean that I don't really love my girlfriend? Should I call my old girlfriend? I'll wait until I hear from you.

Dear Dream Lover:

The desire to connect with someone we loved intensely can be very strong years later. I understand how you must be struggling with yourself, even while you are making plans for your future with your fiancée. That conflict is showing up in your dreams at night, when subconscious thoughts and feelings surface.

Dreaming of someone else doesn't mean that you don't love your present girlfriend. It just means that you have unresolved issues and leftover feelings about the past. You may have parted angrily with your ex, or have regretted breaking up with her. Nonetheless, I think that, if you try to suppress these thoughts and feelings, they will pop up sometime in the future when they could do more harm.

You obviously need satisfaction and closure with regard to your former love. Speak to a mutual friend who is in contact with her. Find out where she is and what she is doing. Is she married? Does she have children? Is she happy? Update yourself, and then think again about whether you would like to interrupt her life. Also be honest about whether you have actually stopped loving her. It could be that with the wedding coming up, you are only longing for what was. Recall why you both broke up. What were her shortcomings, and what were yours? Why didn't you stay together? Unfortunately, couples who reconcile often break up again, for the same reasons they broke up in the first place.

After you get updated about your former friend, you may be satisfied and not want to connect. If you still feel a longing to be in touch, I would advise you to call your former love and satisfy that longing. You don't need to blurt out anything dramatic when you connect. Just say that you were thinking about her and hoped she was well. Find out what is happening in her life, listen carefully, and ask questions. You will most likely find that she has moved on with her life. The fact that she hasn't called you probably means that she has no regrets about the past. If you think it's appropriate, you can let her know that you are planning to marry. You can also wish her well in her new life.

NOW, one phone call does not a new beginning make. Once you have called, try to let it go. If you choose to stay in touch with her, realise that that is trouble down the road. At that point, you will need to let your fiancée know that you are in conflict about marrying her. If you are not willing to forfeit your marriage, then you need to let the old girlfriend go.

Notice that I haven't said anything about your current girlfriend. However, please realise that she would be very upset if you told her you were reconnecting with your former love. As long as your phone call overseas is innocent and final, you don't need to say anything about it. However, you must be upfront with your fiancée if you plan to continue your old relationship. Better now than later.

Trousers in Denim

Cream of the 'Crop'

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